Music 
LIB. 


ENCE;   or  BUNTHORNE'S  BRIDE 


W.  S.   Gilbert 


f  /c 

X     *•  i  j«rr- 
,  / 


PATIENCE ;     OR 
BUNTHORNE'S     BRIDE 


patience  i 


or 


By 
W.     S.     GILBERT 

With  new  introduction 


NEW    YORK 

Doubleday,   Page  &  Company 
1902 


Copyright,   1901,  by 

DOUBLEDAY,  PACK    &   CO. 

Published  September,  1902 


Librairy 


\3 


AUTHOR'S    NOTE 


A  |^HE  genesis  of  "  Patience  "  is  to  be  found  in  the 
"Bab  Ballad,"  called  "  The  Rival  Curates."  In 
the  original  draft  of  the  MS.  of  my  play  Reginald 
Bunthorne  and  Archibald  Grosvenor  were  two  clergy- 
men belonging  to  adjoining  parishes,  as  in  the  ballad, 
and  the  Reverend  Mr.  Bunthorne  was  attended  by  a 
team  of  enthusiastic  lady  worshippers  who  had  been 
fascinated  by  the  lamb-like  meekness  of  his  demeanour. 
In  the  course  of  the  piece  this  body  of  devotees,  having 
discovered  that  the  Reverend  Mr.  Grosvenor  was  even 
meeker  than  Mr.  Bunthorne,  transferred  their  affec- 
tions, en  bloc>  to  Mr.  Grosvenor,  one  admirer  only, 
Lady  Jane,  remaining  faithful  to  Mr.  Bunthorne. 
Enraged  at  this  successful  opposition,  Mr.  Bunthorne 
commissioned  Lady  Jane  to  go  to  Mr.  Grosvenor  and 
explain  to  him,  in  the  fiercest  and  most  uncompromis- 
ing terms,  that  unless  he  abandoned,  at  once,  his 
blameless  attitude,  and  forthwith  became  a  reckless  and 
unconventional  renegade,  holding  the  broadest  possible 
views  of  his  duties  as  a  clergyman,  the  consequences 
to  him  would  be  of  the  most  painful  and  humiliating 
description.  Lady  Jane  faithfully  and  successfully 
discharged  this  mission  (entrusted  in  the  ballad  to  the 


Author's  Note 

sexton  and  the  beadle),  and  Mr.  Grosvenor,  who  had 
no  real  sympathy  with  an  attitude  that  only  an  over- 
whelming sense  of  duty  had  compelled  him  to  adopt, 
joyfully  acceded  to  Bunthorne's  requirements,  satisfy- 
ing his  conscience  with  the  excuse  that  his  wholesale 
violation  of  clerical  proprieties  was  the  effect  of  an 
irresistible  force  majeure.  A  body  of  dragoons  was 
introduced  who,  having  endeavoured  in  vain  to  divert 
the  attention  of  the  young  ladies  from  the  fascinating 
curates,  determined  at  length  to  "take  orders,"  and, 
having  done  so,  were  rewarded  for  their  enterprising 
volte  face  by  the  ladies  who  had  in  the  meantime  be- 
come thoroughly  disgusted  with  the  conduct  of  the 
adored  curates. 

While  I  was  engaged  upon  the  construction  of  this 
plot,  I  became  uneasy  at  the  thought  of  the  danger 
I  was  incurring  by  dealing  so  freely  with  members  of 
the  clerical  order,  and  I  felt  myself  crippled  at  every 
turn  by  the  necessity  of  protecting  myself  from  a 
charge  of  irreverence.  So  I  cast  about  for  a  group  of 
personages  who  should  fit,  more  or  less  neatly,  into  the 
plot  as  already  devised,  and  who  should  allow  me  a 
freer  hand  in  making  them  amusing  to  my  audiences. 
At  that  time  the  so-called  "  aesthetic  craze  "  was  just 
becoming  popular,  mainly  owing  to  the  late  Mr. 
Du  Maurier's  admirable  pictorial  satires  in  Punch.  As 
I  lay  awake  one  night,  worrying  over  the  difficulties 
that  I  had  prepared  for  myself,  the  idea  suddenly 
flashed  upon  me  that  if  I  made  Bunthorne  and  Gros- 
venor a  couple  of  yearning  "  aesthetics  "  and  the  young 

vi 


Author's  Note 

ladies  their  ardent  admirers,  all  anxieties  as  to  the 
consequences  of  making  them  extremely  ridiculous 
would  be  at  once  overcome.  Elated  at  the  idea,  I  ran 
down  at  once  to  my  library,  and  in  an.  hour  or  so  I 
had  entirely  rearranged  the  piece  upon  a  secure  and 
satisfactory  basis.  The  "aesthetes"  were  accepted 
without  hesitation  by  the  public,  and  the  piece  ran  for 
about  two  years.  When  it  was  revived  after  a  lapse 
of  nineteen  years,  the  "  asthetic  craze"  was  as  dead 
as  Queen  Anne,  and  no  little  anxiety  was  felt  by  the 
management  of  the  Savoy  Theatre  as  to  how  the 
piece  would  be  received.  However,  we  were  not  a 
little  surprised  and  relieved  to  find  that  the  allusions 
to  the  absurdities  formerly  connected  with  the  mania 
had  lost  nothing  of  their  normal  significance.  The 
revival  ran  merrily  for  eight  months. 

W.  S.  GILBERT. 


Vll 


PATIENCE; 
OR     BUNTHORNE'S     BRIDE 


ACT  I 

SCENE — EXTERIOR  OF  CASTLE  BUNTHORNE. 

Entrance  to  Castle  by  drawbridge  over  moat. 
Young  ladies  dressed  in  classical  draperies 
are  grouped  about  the  stage.  They  play  on 
lutes,  mandolins,  &c.,  as  they  sing,  and  all 
are  in  the  last  stage  of  despair.  ANGELA, 
ELLA,  and  SAPHIR  lead  them. 

CHORUS 
Twenty  love-sick  maidens  we, 

Love-sick  all  against  our  will. 
Twenty  years  hence  we  shall  be 

Twenty  love-sick  maidens  still. 

SOLO — ANGELA 
Love  feeds  on  hope,  they  say,  or  love  will  die — 

ALL 

Ah,   miserie ! 


Patience 

ANGELA 
Yet  my  love  lives,  although  no  hope  have  I 

ALL 

Ah,  miserie ! 
ANGELA 

Alas,  poor  heart,  go  hide  thyself  away — 

ALL 

Ah,  miserie ! 
ANGELA 

To  weeping  concords  tune  thy  roundelay ! 

ALL 

Ah,  miserie ! 

CHORUS 
All  our  love  is  all  for  one, 

Yet  that  love  he  heedeth  not, 
He  is  coy  and  cares  for  none, 
Sad  and  sorry  is  our  lot ! 

Ah,  miserie  1 

SOLO — ELLA 
Go,  breaking  heart, 

Go,  dream  of  love  requited; 
Go,  foolish  heart, 

Go,  dream  of  lovers  plighted; 
Go,  madcap  heart, 

Go,  dream  of  never  waking; 


Patience 

And  in  thy  dream 

Forget  that  them  art  breaking ! 
ALL 

Ah,  miserie ! 

ANGELA 

There  is  a  strange  magic  in  this  love  of  ours ! 
Rivals  as  we  all  are  in  the  affections  of  our 
Reginald,  the  very  hopelessness  of  our  love  is 
a  bond  that  binds  us  to  one  another ! 

SAPHIR 

Jealousy  is  merged  in  misery.  While  he,  the 
very  cynosure  of  our  eyes  and  hearts,  remains 
icy  insensible — what  have  we  to  strive  for  ? 

ELLA 

The  love  of  maidens  is,  to  him,  as  interesting 
as  the  taxes ! 

SAPHIR 
Would  that  it  were !  He  pays  his  taxes. 

ANGELA 
And  cherishes  the  receipts ! 

(Enter  LADY  JANE.) 

JANE  (suddenly) 
Fools! 

ANGELA 

I  beg  your  pardon  ? 

3 


Patience 

JANE 

Fools  and  blind !  The  man  loves — wildly 
loves ! 

ANGELA 

But  whom  ?    None  of  us ! 

JANE 

No,  none  of  us.  His  weird  fancy  has  lighted, 
for  the  nonce,  on  Patience,  the  village  milk- 
maid! 

SAPHIR 

On  Patience  ?    Oh,  it  cannot  be  ! 

JANE 

Bah !  But  yesterday  I  caught  him  in  her 
dairy,  eating  fresh  butter  with  a  tablespoon. 
To-day  he  is  not  well ! 

SAPHIR 

But    Patience    boasts    that  she    has  never 
loved — that   love   is,  to  her,  a  sealed  book! 
Oh,  he  cannot  be  serious  ! 
JANE 

'Tis  but  a  fleeting  fancy — 'twill  quickly  pass 
away.  (Aside.)  Oh,  Reginald,  if  you  but 
knew  what  a  wealth  of  golden  love  is  waiting 
for  you,  stored  up  in  this  rugged  old  bosom  of 
mine,  the  milkmaid's  triumph  would  be  short 
indeed  !  (All  sigh  wearily.) 

4 


Patience 

(PATIENCE  appears  on  an  eminence.  She 
looks  down  with  pity  on  the  despondent 
ladies.) 

PATIENCE 
Still  brooding  on  their  mad  infatuation ! 

I  thank  thee,  Love,  thou  comest  not  to  me ! 
Far  happier  I,  free  from  thy  ministration, 
Than  dukes  or  duchesses  who  love  can  be ! 

SAPHIR  (looking  up) 

Tis    Patience — happy    girl !     Loved    by    a 
Poet! 

PATIENCE 

Your  pardon,  ladies.     I  intrude  upon  you ! 
(Going.) 

ANGELA 

Nay,  pretty,  child,  come  hither.     Is  it  true 
That  you  have  never  loved? 
PATIENCE 

Most  true  indeed. 
SOPRANOS 
Most  marvellous ! 

CONTRALTOS 
And  most  deplorable ! 

SONG — PATIENCE 

I  cannot  tell  what  this  love  may  be 
That  cometh  to  all,  but  not  to  me. 

s 


Patience 

It  cannot  be  kind  as  they'd  imply, 
Or  why  do  these  gentle  ladies  sigh  ? 
It  cannot  be  joy  and  rapture  deep, 
Or  why  do  these  gentle  ladies  weep  ? 
It  cannot  be  blissful  as  'tis  said, 
Or  why  are  their  eyes  so  wondrous  red  ? 

Though  everywhere  true  love  I  see 
A-coming  to  all,  but  not  to  me, 
I  cannot  tell  what  this  love  may  be ! 
For  I  am  blithe  and  I  am  gay, 
While  they  sit  sighing  all  night,  all  day. 
Think  of  the  gulf  'twixt  them  and  me, 
"Pal  la  la  la!"— and  "Miserie!" 

CHORUS 

Yes,  she  is  blithe,  &c. 
PATIENCE 

If  love  is  a  thorn,  they  show  no  wit 
Who  foolishly  hug  and  foster  it. 
If  love  is  a  weed,  how  simple  they 
Who  gather  and  gather  it,  day  by  day ! 
If  love  is  a  nettle  that  makes  you  smart, 
Why  do  you  wear  it  next  your  heart  ? 
And  if  it  be  none  of  these,  say  I, 
Why  do  you  sit  and  sob  and  sigh? 
Though  everywhere,  &c. 

6 


Patience 

CHORUS 
For  she  is  blithe,  &c. 

ANGELA 

Ah,  Patience,  if  you  have  never  loved,  you 
have  never  known  true  happiness  !  (All  sigh.) 

PATIENCE 

But  the  truly  happy  always  seem  to  have  so 
much  on  their  minds.  The  truly  happy 
never  seem  quite  well. 

JANE 

There  is  a  transcendentality  of  delirium — an 
acute  accentuation  of  supremest  esctasy — 
which  the  earthy  might  easily  mistake  for  in- 
digestion. But  it  is  not  indigestion — it  is  aes- 
thetic transfiguration  !  (To  the  others.)  Enough 
of  babble.  Come ! 

PATIENCE 

But  I  have  some  news  for  you.  The  Thirty- 
fifth  Dragoon  Guards  have  halted  in  the  village, 
and  are  even  now  on  their  way  to  this  very 
spot. 

ANGELA 
The  Thirty-fifth  Dragoon  Guards ! 

SAPHIR 
They  are  fleshly  men,  of  full  habit ! 

7 


Patience 

ELLA 
We  care  nothing  for  Dragoon  Guards  ! 

PATIENCE 

But,  bless  me,  you  were  all  in  love  with  them 
a  year  ago ! 

SAPHIR 

A  year  ago ! 

ANGELA 

My  poor  child,  you  don't  understand  these 
things.  A  year  ago  they  were  very  well  in  our 
eyes,  but  since  then  our  tastes  have  been  ether- 
ealized,  our  perceptions  exalted.  (To  others.) 
Come,  it  is  time  to  lift  up  our  voices  in  morning 
carol  to  our  Reginald.  Let  us  to  his  door. 

The  ladies  go  off,  two  and  two,  into  the  Castle, 
singing  refrain  of  "  Twenty  love-sick  maidens 
we, "  and  accompanying  themselves  on  harps 
and  mandolins.  PATIENCE  watches  them 
in  surprise,  as  she  climbs  the  rock  by 
which  she  entered. 

March.  Enter  Officers  of  Dragoon  Guards,  led 
by  MAJOR. 

CHORUS  OF  DRAGOONS 

The  soldiers  of  our  Queen 

Are  linked  in  friendly  tether; 
8 


Patience 

Upon  the  battle  scene 
They  fight  the  foe  together. 

There  every  mother's  son 
Prepared  to  fight  and  fall  is; 

The  enemy  of  one 
The  enemy  of  all  is ! 

Enter  COLONEL 

SONG — COLONEL 
If  you  want  a  receipt  for  that  popular  mystery, 

Known  to  the  world  as  a  Heavy  Dragoon, 
Take  all  the  remarkable  people  in  history, 

Rattle  them  off  to  a  popular  tune. 
The  pluck  of  Lord  Nelson  on  board  of  the 

Victory — 

Genius  of  Bismarck  devising  a  plan — 
The  humour  of  Fielding  (which  sounds  contra- 
dictory)— 

Coolness  of  Paget  about  to  trepan — 
The  science  of  Jullien,  the  eminent  musico — 
Wit    of    Macaulay,    who    wrote    of    Queen 

Anne — 
The  pathos  of  Paddy,  as  rendered  by  Bouci- 

cault — 

Style  of  the  Bishop  of  Sodor  and  Man — 
The  dash  of  a  D'Orsay,  divested  of  quackery — 
Narrative  powers  of  Dickens  and  Thackeray — 


Patience 

Victor  Emmanuel — peak-haunting  Peveril — 
Thomas  Aquinas,  the  Doctor  Sacheverell — 
Tupper  and  Tennyson — Daniel  Defoe — 
Anthony  Trollope  and  Mr.  Guizot ! 

Take  of  these  elements  all  that  is  fusible, 
Melt  them  all  down  in  a  pipkin  or  crucible, 
Set  them  to  simmer  and  take  off  the  scum, 
And  a  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum  1 

CHORUS 

Yes !  yes !  yes  !  yes  ! 
A  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum ! 

COLONEL 

If  you  want  a  receipt  for  this  soldier-like  para- 
gon, 

Get  at  the  wealth  of  the  Czar  (if  you  can) — 
The  family  pride  of  a  Spaniard  from  Arragon — 

Force  of  Mephisto  pronouncing  a  ban 

A   smack   of    Lord    Waterford,    reckless   and 
rollicky — 

Swagger  of  Roderick,  heading  his  clan — 
The  keen  penetration  of  Paddington  Pollaky — 

Grace  of  an  Odalisque  on  a  divan — 
The  genius  strategic  of  Caesar  or  Hannibal — 
Skill  of  Sir  Garnet  in  thrashing  a  cannibal — 


Patience 

Flavour  of  Hamlet — the  Stranger,  a  touch  of 

him — 

Little  of  Manfred  (but  not  very  much  of  him) — 
Beadle  of  Burlington — Richardson's  show — 
Mr.  Micawber  and  Madame  Tussaud ! 
Take  of  these  elements  all  that  is  fusible, 
Melt  them  all  down  in  a  pipkin  or  crucible, 
Set  them  to  simmer  and  take  off  the  scum, 
And  a  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum ! 

ALL 

Yes  !  yes !  yes  !  yes  ! 
A  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum ! 

COLONEL 

Well,  here  we  are  again  on  the  scene  of  our 
former  triumphs.     But  where's  the  Duke  ? 
Enter  DUKE  OF  DUNSTABLE,  listlessly,  and  in 
low  spirits. 

DUKE 
Here  I  am !     (Sighs.) 

COLONEL 
Come,  cheer  up,  don't  give  way ! 

DUKE 

Oh,  for  that,  I'm  as  cheerful  as  a  poor  devil 
can  be  expected  to  be,  who  has  the  misfortune 
to  be  a  duke,  with  a  thousand  a  day ! 


Patience 

MAJOR 
Humph  !    Most  men  would  envy  you ! 

DUKE 

Envy  me?    Tell  me,  Major,  are  you  fond  of 
toffee  ? 

MAJOR 
Very! 

COLONEL 

We  are  all  fond  of  toffee. 
ALL 

We  are ! 

DUKE 

Yes,  and  toffee  in  moderation  is  a  capital 
thing.  But  to  live  on  toffee — toffee  for  break- 
fast, toffee  for  dinner,  toffee  for  tea — to  have 
it  supposed  that  you  care  for  nothing  but  toffee, 
and  that  you  would  consider  yourself  insulted 
if  anything  but  toffee  were  offered  to  you— 
how  would  you  like  that  ? 

COLONEL 

I  can  believe  that,  under  those  circumstances, 
even  toffee  would  become  monotonous. 

DUKE 

For  "toffee"  read  flattery,  adulation,  and 
abject  deference,  carried  to  such  a  pitch  that  I 

12 


Patience 

began,  at  last,  to  think  that  man  was  born  bent 
at  an  angle  of  forty-five  degrees !  Great 
heavens,  what  is  there  to  adulate  in  me  !  Am  I 
particularly  intelligent,  or  remarkably  studious, 
or  excruciatingly  witty,  or  unusually  accom- 
plished, or  exceptionally  virtuous  ? 

COLONEL 
You're  about  as  commonplace  a  young  man 

as  ever  I  saw. 

ALL 

You  are ! 

DUKE 

Exactly  !  That's  it  exactly  !  That  describes 
me  to  a  T !  Thank  you  all  very  much  !  Well, 
I  couldn't  stand  it  any  longer,  so  I  joined  this 
regiment.  In  the  army,  thought  I,  I  shall  be 
occasionally  snubbed,  perhaps  even  bullied, 
who  knows?  The  thought  was  rapture,  and 
here  I  am. 

COLONEL  (looking  off) 
Yes,  and  here  are  the  ladies  ! 

DUKE 
But  who  is  the  gentleman  with  the  long  hair  ? 

COLONEL 
I  don't  know. 

13 


Patience 

DUKE 
He  seems  popular ! 

COLONEL 
He  does  seem  popular ! 

BUNTHORNE  enters,  followed  by  ladies,  two  and 
two,  singing  and  playing  on  harps  as 
before.  He  is  composing  a  poem,  and 
quite  absorbed.  He  sees  no  one,  but  walks 
across  stage  followed  by  ladies.  They 
take  no  notice  of  Dragoons — to  the  surprise 
and  indignation  of  those  Officers. 

CHORUS  OF  LADIES 

In  a  melancholy  train 

Two  and  two  we  walk  all  day — 
Pity  those  who  love  in  vain ! 
None  so  sorrowful  as  they 

Who  can  only  sigh  and  say, 
Woe  is  me,  alackaday  ! 

CHORUS  OP  DRAGOONS 
Now  is  not  this  ridiculous — and  is  not  this 

preposterous  ? 

A  thorough-paced  absurdity — explain  it  if 
you  can. 

14 


Patience 

Instead  of  rushing  eagerly  to  cherish  us  and 

foster  us, 

They  all  prefer  this  melancholy  literary  man. 
Instead  of  slyly  peering  at  us, 
Casting  looks  endearing  at  us, 
Blushing  at  us,  flushing  at  us — flirting  with  a 

fan: 
They're  actually  sneering  at  us,  fleering  at  us, 

jeering  at  us ! 

Pretty  sort  of  treatment  for  a  military  man  ! 
Pretty  sort  of  treatment  for  a  military  man ! 

CHORUS  OF  LADIES 
Mystic  poet,  hear  our  prayer, 

Twenty-love  sick  maidens  we — 
Young  and  wealthy,  dark  and  fair — 

And  we  die  for  love  of  thee  ! 

Yes,  we  die  for  love  of  thee — 
Twenty  love-sick  maidens  we ! 

BUNTHORNE  (aside — slyly) 

Though  my  book  I  seem  to  scan 

In  a  rapt  ecstatic  way, 
Like  a  literary  man 

Who  despises  female  clay, 
I  hear  plainly  all  they  say, 
Twenty  love-sick  maidens  they ! 

is 


Patience 

OFFICERS  (to  each  other) 
He  hears  plainly,  &c. 

ELLA 
Though  so  excellently  wise, 

For  a  moment  mortal  be, 
Deign  to  raise  thy  purple  eyes 

From  thy  heart-drawn  poesy. 
Twenty  love-sick  maidens  see — 
Each  is  kneeling  on  her  knee  !  (All  kneel.) 

CHORUS  OF  LADIES 
Twenty  love-sick,  &c. 

BUNTHORNE   (aside) 
Though,  as  I  remarked  before, 

Any  one  convinced  would  be 
That  some  transcendental  lore 

Is  monopolizing  me, 
Round  the  corner  I  can  see 
Each  is  kneeling  on  her  knee  ! 

OFFICERS  (to  each  other) 
Round  the  corner,  &c. 

ENSEMBLE 

OFFICERS 
Now  is  not  this  ridiculous,  &c. 

16 


Patience 

LADIES 
Mystic  poet,  hear  our  prayer,  &c. 

BUNTHORNE   (aside) 
Though  my  book  I  seem  to  scan,  &c. 

COLONEL 
Angela  !  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  ? 

ANGELA 

Oh,  sir,  leave  us ;  our  minds  are  but  ill-attuned 
to  light  love-talk. 

MAJOR 
But  what  in  the  world  has  come  over  you  all  ? 

JANE 

Bunthorne  !     He  has  come  over  us.     He  has 
come  among  us,  and  he  has  idealized  us. 

DUKE 

Has  he  succeeded  in  idealizing  you  ? 

JANE 

He  has ! 

DUKE 

Bravo,  Bunthorne ! 

JANE 

My  eyes  are  open;  I  droop  despairingly;  I 
am  soulfully  intense ;  I  am  limp  and  I  cling ! 


Patience 

(During  this  BUNTHORNE  is  seen  in  all  the 
agonies  of  composition.  The  ladies  are 
watching  him  intently  as  he  writhes.  At 
last,  he  hits  on  the  word  he  wants  and  writes 
it  down.  A  general  sense  of  relief.) 

BUNTHORNE 

Finished  !    At  last !     Finished  ! 
(He  staggers,  overcome  with  the  mental  strain, 
into  arms  of  COLONEL.) 

COLONEL 
Are  you  better  now  ? 

BUNTHORNE 

Yes — Oh,  it's  you — I  am  better  now.  The 
poem  is  finished,  and  my  soul  has  gone  out  into 
it.  That  was  all.  It  was  nothing  worth  men- 
tioning, it  occurs  three  times  a  day.  (Sees 
PATIENCE,  who  has  entered  during  this  scene.) 
Ah,  Patience !  Dear  Patience !  (Holds  her 
hand;  she  seems  frightened.) 

ANGELA 
Will  it  please  you  to  read  it  to  us,  sir? 

SAPHIR 
This  we  supplicate.     (All  kneel.) 

BUNTHORNE 
Shall  I? 

18 


Patience 

ALL  THE  DRAGOONS 
No! 

BUNTHORNE  (annoyed — to  PATIENCE) 
I  will  read  it  if  you  bid  me  ! 

PATIENCE  (much  frightened) 
You  can  if  you  like ! 

BUNTHORNE 

It  is  a  wild,  weird,  fleshly  thing;  yet  very 
tender,  very  yearning,  very  precious.  It  is 
called,  "  Oh,  Hollow !  Hollow !  Hollow ! " 

PATIENCE 
Is  it  a  hunting  song  ? 

BUNTHORNE 

A  hunting  song?  No,  it  is  not  a  hunting 
song.  It  is  the  wail  of  the  poet's  heart  on  dis- 
covering that  everything  is  commonplace.  To 
understand  it,  cling  passionately  to  one  another 
and  think  of  faint  lilies.  (They  do  so  as  he 
recites) — 

"OH,  HOLLOW!    HOLLOW!    HOLLOW!" 

What  time  the  poet  hath  hymned 
The  writhing  maid,  lithe-limbed, 
Quivering  on  amaranthine  asphodel, 

19 


Patienc 

How  can  he  paint  her  woes, 
Knowing,  as  well  he  knows, 

That  all  can  be  set  right  with  calomel? 

When  from  the  poet's  plinth 
The  amorous  colocynth 

Yearns  for  the  aloe,  faint  with  rapturous 

thrills, 

How  can  he  hymn  their  throes 
Knowing,  as  well  he  knows, 

That  they  are  only  uncompounded  pills? 

Is  it,  and  can  it  be, 
Nature  hath  this  decree, 

Nothing  poetic  in  the  world  shall  dwell? 
Or  that  in  all  her  works 
Something  poetic  lurks, 

Even  in  colocynth  and  calomel  ? 

I  cannot  tell. 
ANGELA 
How  purely  fragrant ! 

SAPHIR 
How  earnestly  precious ! 

DUKE 
Well,  it  seems  to  me  to  be  nonsense. 

SAPHIR 

Nonsense,  yes,  perhaps — but  oh,  what  pre- 
cious nonsense ! 


Patience 

ALL 
Ah! 

COLONEL 

This  is  all  very  well,  but  you  seem  to  forget 
that  you  are  engaged  to  us. 

SAPHIR 

It  can  never  be.  You  are  not  Empyrean. 
You  are  not  Delia  Cruscan.  You  are  not  even 
Early  English.  Oh,  be  Early  English  ere  it  is 
too  late  !  (Officers  look  at  each  other  in  astonish- 
ment.} 

JANE  (looking  at  uniform) 
Red    and    yellow !     Primary    colours !     Oh, 
South  Kensington ! 

DUKE 

We  didn't  design  our  uniforms,  but  we  don't 
see  how  they  could  be  improved. 

JANE 

No,  you  wouldn't.  Still,  there  is  a  cobwebby 
grey  velvet,  with  a  tender  bloom  like  cold 
gravy,  which,  made  Florentine  fourteenth  cen- 
tury, trimmed  with  Venetian  leather  and 
Spanish  altar  lace,  and  surmounted  with  some- 
thing Japanese — it  matters  not  what — would  at 
least  be  Early  English !  Come,  maidens.  (Ex- 
eunt maidens,  two  and  two,  singing  refrain  of 

ai 


Patience 

" Twenty  love-sick  maidens  we."     The  Officers 
watch  them  off  in  astonishment.) 

DUKE 
Gentlemen,  this  is  an  insult  to  the  British 

uniform 

COLONEL 

A  uniform  that  has  been  as  successful  in  the 
courts  of  Venus  as  in  the  field  of  Mars  ! 

SONG — COLONEL 

When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on, 
I  said,  as  I  looked  in  the  glass, 
"  It's  one  to  a  million 
That  any  civilian 
My  figure  and  form  will  surpass. 
Gold  lace  has  a  charm  for  the  fair, 
And  I've  plenty  of  that,  and  to  spare, 
While  a  lover's  professions, 
When  uttered  in  Hessians, 
Are  eloquent  everywhere !" 

A  fact  that  I  counted  upon, 
When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on ! 

CHORUS  OF  DRAGOONS 
By  a  simple  coincidence,  few 

Could  ever  have  reckoned  upon, 
The  same  thing  occurred  to  me,  too, 

When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on ! 

99 


Patience 

COLONEL 

I  said,  when  I  first  put  it  on, 
"  It  is  plain  to  the  veriest  dunce 
That  every  beauty 
Will  feel  it  her  duty 
To  yield  to  its  glamour  at  once. 

They  will  see  that  I'm  freely  gold-laced 
In  a  uniform  handsome  and  chaste" — 
But  the  peripatetics 
Of  long-haired  aesthetics 
Are  very  much  more  to  their  taste — 
Which  I  never  counted  upon, 
When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on ! 

CHORUS 
By  a  simple  coincidence,  few 

Could  ever  have  counted  upon, 
I  didn't  anticipate  that, 
When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on ! 

[The  Dragoons  go  off  angrily. 

(As  soon  as  he  is  alone,  BUNTHORNE  changes  his 
manner  and  becomes  intensely  melodramatic.) 

RECITATIVE  AND  SONG — BUNTHORNE 
Am  I  alone, 

And  unobserved?     I  am! 
Then  let  me  own 

I'm  an  aesthetic  sham ! 

23 


Patience 

This  air  severe 
Is  but  a  mere 
Veneer ! 

This  cynic  smile 
Is  but  a  wile 

Of  guile ! 

This  costume  chaste 
Is  but  good  taste 
Misplaced ! 
Let  me  confess ! 

A  languid  love  for  lilies  does  not  blight  me ! 
Lank  limbs  and  haggard  cheeks  do  not  delight 

me ! 
I  do  not  care  for  dirty  greens 

By  any  means. 
I  do  not  long  for  all  one  sees 

That's  Japanese. 
I  am  not  fond  of  uttering  platitudes 

In  stained-glass  attitudes. 
In  short,  my  mediaevalism's  affectation, 
Born  of  a  morbid  love  of  admiration ! 

SONG 

If  you're  anxious  for  to  shine  in  the  high  aesthetic 
line  as  a  man  of  culture  rare, 

You  must  get  up  all  the  germs  of  the  trans- 
cendental terms,  and  plant  them  every- 
where. 

24 


Patience 

You  must  lie  upon  the  daisies  and  discourse 

in  novel  phrases  of  your   complicated 

state  of  mind, 
The  meaning  doesn't  matter  if  it's  only  idle 

chatter  of  a  transcendental  kind. 
And  every  one  will  say, 
As  you  walk  your  mystic  way, 
"  If  this  young  man  expresses  himself  in  terms 

too  deep  for  me, 
Why,  what  a  very  singularly  deep  young  man 

this  deep  young  man  must  be  !" 

Be  eloquent  in  praise  of  the  very  dull  old  days 

which  have  long  since  passed  away, 
And  convince  'em,  if  you  can,  that  the  reign 

of     good     Queen   Anne    was    Culture's 

palmiest  day. 
Of  course  you  will  pooh-pooh  whatever's  fresh 

and  new,  and  declare  it's  crude  and  mean, 
For  Art  stopped  short  in  the  cultivated  court 

of  the  Empress  Josephine. 
And  every  one  will  say, 
As  you  walk  your  mystic  way, 
"  If  that's  not  good  enough  for  him  which  is  not 

good  enough  for  me, 
Why,  what  a  very  cultivated  kind  of  youth  this 

kind  of  youth  must  be  !" 

25 


Patience 

Then   a   sentimental   passion   of   a   vegetable 

fashion  must  excite  your  languid  spleen, 
An  attachment  d  la  Plato  for  a  bashful  young 

potato,  or  a  not-too-French  French  bean ! 
Though  the  Philistines  may  jostle,  you    will 

rank  as  an  apostle  in  the  high  aesthetic 

band, 
If  you  walk  down  Piccadilly  with  a  poppy  or  a 

lily  in  your  mediaeval  hand. 
And  every  one  will  say, 
As  you  walk  your  flowery  way, 
"If  he's  content  with  a  vegetable  love  which 

would  certainly  not  suit  me, 
Why,  what  a  most  particularly  pure  young  man 

this  pure  young  man  must  be  !" 

[At  the  end  of  his  song  PATIENCE  enters.     He 
sees  her. 

BUNTHORNE 

Ah !  Patience,  come  hither.  I  am  pleased 
with  thee.  The  bitter-hearted  one,  who  finds 
all  else  hollow,  is  pleased  with  thee.  For  vou 
are  not  hollow.  Are  you? 

PATIENCE 
I  beg  your  pardon — I  interrupt  you. 

BUNTHORNE 

Life  is  made  up  of  interruptions.     The  tor- 
ad 


Patience 

tured  soul,  yearning  for  solitude,  writhes  under 
them.  Oh,  but  my  heart  is  a- weary !  Oh,  I 
am  a  cursed  thing  !  Don't  go. 

PATIENCE 
Really,  I'm  very  sorry 

BUNTHORNE 

Tell  me,  girl,  do  you  ever  yearn  ? 

PATIENCE  (misunderstanding  him) 
I  earn  my  living. 

BUNTHORNE  (impatiently) 
No,  no  !  Do  you  know  what  it  is  to  be  heart- 
hungry  ?  Do  you  know  what  it  is  to  yearn  for 
the  Indefinable,  and  yet  to  be  brought  face  to 
face,  daily,  with  the  Multiplication  Table? 
Do  you  know  what  it  is  to  seek  oceans  and  to 
find  puddles? — to  long  for  whirlwinds  and  to 
have  to  do  the  best  thing  you  can  with  the  bel- 
lows? That's  my  case.  Oh,  I  am  a  cursed 

thing! 

PATIENCE 

If  you  please,  I  don't  understand  you — you 

frighten  me ! 

BUNTHORNE 
Don't  be  frightened — it's  only  poetry. 

PATIENCE 

If  that's  poetry,  I  don't  like  poetry. 
27 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE  (eagerly) 

Don't  you?  (Aside.)  Can  I  trust  her? 
(Aloud.)  Patience,  you  don't  like  poetry- 
well,  between  you  and  me,  /  don't  like  poetry. 
It's  hollow,  unsubstantial — unsatisfactory. 
What's  the  use  of  yearning  for  Elysian  Fields 
when  you  know  you  can't  get  'em,  and  would 
only  let  'em  out  on  building  leases  if  you  had 
'em? 

PATIENCE 

Sir,  I 

BUNTHORNE 

Don't  go.  Patience,  I  have  long  loved  you. 
Let  me  tell  you  a  secret.  I  am  not  as  bilious 
as  I  look.  If  you  like  I  will  cut  my  hair. 
There  is  more  innocent  fun  within  me  than  a 
casual  spectator  would  imagine.  You  have 
never  seen  me  frolicsome.  Be  a  good  girl — a 
very  good  girl — and  you  shall. 

PATIENCE 

Sir,  I  will  speak  plainly.  In  the  matter  of 
love  I  am  untaught.  I  have  never  loved  but 
my  great-aunt.  But  I  am  quite  certain  that, 
under  any  circumstances,  I  couldn't  possibly 
love  you. 

BUNTHORNE 
Oh,  you  think  not  ? 

28 


Patience 

PATIENCE 
I'm  quite  sure  of  it.     Quite  sure.     Quite. 

BUNTHORNE  (releasing  her) 
Very  good.  Life  is  henceforth  a  blank.  I 
don't  care  what  becomes  of  me.  I  have  only  to 
ask  that  you  will  not  abuse  my  confidence: 
though  you  despise  me,  I  am  extremely  popular 
with  the  other  young  ladies. 

PATIENCE 

I  only  ask  that  you  will  leave  me  and  never 
renew  the  subject. 

BUNTHORNE 

Certainly.  Broken-hearted  and  desolate  I 
go.  (Recites.) 

"Oh,  to  be  wafted  away, 

From  this  black  Aceldama  of  sorrow, 
Where  the  dust  of  an  earthy  to-day 
Is  the  earth  of  a  dusty  to-morrow  !" 

It  is  a  little  thing  of  my  own.     I  call  it  "  Heart 
Foam."     I    shall    not    publish    it.     Farewell! 

[Exit  BUNTHORNE. 

PATIENCE 

What  on  earth  does  it  all  mean  ?  Why  does 
he  love  me?  Why  does  he  expect  me  to  love 
him  ?  He's  not  a  relation  !  It  frightens  me  ! 

29 


Patience 

Enter  ANGELA 

ANGELA 
Why,  Patience,  what  is  the  matter  ? 

PATIENCE 

Lady  Angela,  tell  me  two  things.  Firstly, 
what  on  earth  is  this  love  that  upsets  every- 
body; and,  secondly,  how  is  it  to  be  distin- 
guished from  insanity  ? 

ANGELA 

Poor  blind  child !  Oh,  forgive  her,  Eros ! 
Why,  love  is  of  all  passions  the  most  essential ! 
It  is  the  embodiment  of  purity,  the  abstraction 
of  refinement !  it  is  the  one  unselfish  emotion  in 
this  whirlpool  of  grasping  greed  ! 

PATIENCE 
Oh,  dear,  oh  !     (Beginning  to  cry.) 

ANGELA 
Why  are  you  crying  ? 

PATIENCE 

To  think  that  I  have  lived  all  these  years 
without  having  experienced  this  ennobling  and 
unselfish  passion  !  Why,  what  a  wicked  girl  I 
must  be  !  For  it  is  unselfish,  isn't  it  ? 

ANGELA 

Absolutely.  Love  that  is  tainted  with  selfish- 
ness is  no  love.  Oh,  try,  try,  try  to  love !  It 

3° 


Patience 

really  isn't  difficult  if  you  give  your  whole  mind 
to  it. 

PATIENCE 

I'll  set  about  it  at  once.  I  won't  go  to  bed 
until  I'm  head  over  ears  in  love  with  somebody. 

ANGELA 

Noble  girl.  But  is  it  possible  that  you  have 
never  loved  anybody  ? 

PATIENCE 
Yes,  one. 

ANGELA 
Ah,  whom? 

PATIENCE 
My  great-aunt 

ANGELA 
Your  great-aunt  doesn't  coumX 

PATIENCE 

Then  there's  nobody.  At  least — no,  nobody. 
Not  since  I  was  a  baby.  But  that  doesn't  count, 
I  suppose. 

ANGELA 
I  don't  know — tell  me  all  about  it. 

DUET — PATIENCE   AND  ANGELA 

PATIENCE 

Long  years  ago,  fourteen,  maybe 
When  but  a  tiny  babe  of  four, 

31 


Patience 

Another  baby  played  with  me, 
My  elder  by  a  year  or  more. 
A  little  child  of  beauty  rare, 
With  marvellous  eyes  and  wondrous  hair, 
Who,  in  my  child-eyes,  seemed  to  me 
All  that  a  little  child  should  be  ! 

Ah,  how  we  loved,  that  child  and  I, 

How  pure  our  baby  joy ! 
How  true  our  love — and,  by  the  bye, 
He  was  a  little  boy  ! 

ANGELA 

Ah,  old,  old  tale  of  Cupid's  touch  ! 
I  thought  as  much — I  thought  as  much ! 
He  was  a  little  boy ! 

PATIENCE   (shocked) 
Pray  don't  misconstrue  what  I  say- 
Remember,  pray — remember,  pray, 
He  was  a  little  boy ! 

ANGELA 

No  doubt,  yet  spite  of  all  your  pains, 
The  interesting  fact  remains — 
He  was  a  little  boy ! 

ENSEMBLE 

Ah,  yes,      )  (  my  ) 

>  in  spite  of  all  <         >  pains,  &c. 
No  doubt  )  (her) 

[Exit  ANGELA. 
32 


Patience 

PATIENCE 

It's  perfectly  appalling  to  think  of  the  dread- 
ful state  I  must  be  in  !  I  had  no  idea  that  love 
was  a  duty.  No  wonder  they  all  look  so  un- 
happy. Upon  my  word,  I  hardly  like  to  asso- 
ciate with  myself.  I  don't  think  I'm  respect- 
able. I'll  go  at  once  and  fall  in  love  with 

(Enter  GROSVENOR.)     A  stranger ! 

DUET — PATIENCE  AND  GROSVENOR 

GROSVENOR 
Prithee,  pretty  maiden — prithee  tell  me  true, 

(Hey  but  I'm  doleful,  willow  willow  waly !) 
Have  you  e'er  a  lover  a-dangling  after  you  ? 
Hey  willow  waly  O  ! 
I  would  fain  discover 
If  you  have  a  lover  ? 
Hey  willow  waly  O ! 

PATIENCE 
Gentle  sir,  my  heart  is  frolicsome  and  free — 

(Hey  but  he's  doleful,  willow  willow  waly !) 
Nobody  I  care  for  comes  a-courting  me — 
Hey  willow  waly  0  ! 
Nobody  I  care  for 
Comes  a-courting — therefore, 
Hey  willow  waly  O  ! 

33 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 
Prithee,  pretty  maiden,  will  you  marry  me  ? 

(Hey  but  I'm  hopeful,  willow  willow  waly !) 
I  may  say,  at  once,  I'm  a  man  of  propertee— 
Hey  willow  waly  O  ! 
Money,  I  despise  it, 
But  many  people  prize  it, 
Hey  willow  waly  O  ! 

PATIENCE 
Gentle  sir,  although  to  marry  I  design — 

(Hey  but  he's  hopeful,  willow  willow  waly !) 
As  yet  I  do  not  know  you,  and  so  I  musVdecline, 
Hey  willow  waly  O ! 
To  other  maidens  go  you — 
As  yet  I  do  not  know  you, 
Hey  willow  waly  0  ! 

GROSVENOR 

Patience !    Can  it  be  that  you  don't  recognize 
me? 

PATIENCE 
Recognize  you  ?    No,  indeed  I  don't ! 

GROSVENOR 
Have  fifteen  years  so  greatly  changed  me  ? 

PATIENCE 
Fifteen  years?    What  do  you  mean? 

34 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

Have  you  forgotten  the  friend  of  your  youth, 
your  Archibald? — your  little  playfellow?  Oh, 
Chronos,  Chronos,  this  is  too  bad  of  you ! 

PATIENCE 

Archibald !  Is  it  possible  ?  Why,  let  me 
look !  It  is !  It  is  !  It  must  be !  Oh,  how 
happy  I  am !  I  thought  we  should  never  meet 
again  !  And  how  you've  grown  ! 

GROSVENOR 

Yes,  Patience,  I  am  much  taller  and  much 
stouter  than  I  was. 

PATIENCE 
And  how  you've  improved ! 

GROSVENOR 
Yes,  Patience,  I  am  very  beautiful.     (Sighs.) 

PATIENCE 
But  surely  that  doesn't  make  you  unhappy? 

GROSVENOR 

Yes,  Patience.  Gifted  as  I  am  with  a  beauty 
which  probably  has  not  its  rival  on  earth,  I  am, 
nevertheless,  utterly  and  completely  miserable. 

PATIENCE 
Oh— but  why? 

35 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

My  child-love  for  you  has  never  faded.  Con- 
ceive, then,  the  horror  of  my  situation  when  I 
tell  you  that  it  is  my  hideous  destiny  to  be 
madly  loved  by  every  woman  I  come  across  ! 

PATIENCE 

But  why  do  you  make  yourself  so  picturesque  ? 
Why  not  disguise  yourself,  disfigure  yourself, 
anything  to  escape  this  persecution? 

GROSVENOR 

No,  Patience,  that  may  not  be.  These  gifts 
— irksome  as  they  are — have  been  confided  to 
me  for  the  enjoyment  and  delectation  of  my 
fellow-creatures.  I  am  a  trustee  for  Beauty, 
and  it  is  my  duty  to  see  that  the  conditions  of 
my  trust  are  faithfully  discharged. 

PATIENCE 
And  you,  too,  are  a  poet  ? 

GROSVENOR 

Yes,  I  am  the  Apostle  of  Simplicity.  I  am 
called  "Archibald  the  Ail-Right  "—for  I  am 
infallible ! 

PATIENCE 

And  is  it  possible  that  you  condescend  to 
love  such  a  girl  as  I  ? 

36 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

Yes,  Patience,  is  it  not  strange?  I  have 
loved  you  with  a  Florentine  fourteenth-century 
frenzy  for  full  fifteen  years  ! 

PATIENCE 

Oh,  marvellous !  I  have  hitherto  been  deaf 
to  the  voice  of  love — I  seem  now  to  know  what 
love  is !  It  has  been  revealed  to  me — it  is 
Archibald  Grosvenor ! 

GROSVENOR 
Yes,  Patience,  it  is  !     (Embrace.) 

PATIENCE  (as  in  a  trance) 
We  will  never,  never  part ! 

GROSVENOR 
We  will  live  and  die  together ! 

PATIENCE 
I  swear  it ! 

GROSVENOR 
We  both  swear  it !     (Embrace.) 

PATIENCE  (recoiling  from  him) 
But — oh,  horror  ! 

GROSVENOR 
What's  the  matter  ? 

37 


Patience 

PATIENCE 

Why,  you  are  perfection !  A  source  of  end- 
less ecstasy  to  all  who  know  you ! 

GROSVENOR 
I  know  I  am — well? 

PATIENCE 

Then,  bless  my  heart,  there  can  be  nothing 
unselfish  in  loving  you  ! 

GROSVENOR 
Merciful  powers,  I  never  thought  of  that ! 

PATIENCE 

To  monopolize  those  features  on  which  all 
women  love  to  linger  !  It  would  be  unpardon- 
able! 

GROSVENOR 

Why,  so  it  would !  Oh,  fatal  perfection, 
again  you  interpose  between  me  and  my  happi- 
ness ! 

PATIENCE 

Oh,  if  you  were  but  a  thought  less  beautiful 
than  you  are ! 

GROSVENOR 

Would  that  I  were ;  but  candour  compels  me 
to  admit  that  I'm  not ! 

PATIENCE 

Our  duty  is  clear ;  we  must  part,  and  forever ! 
38 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

Oh,  misery !  And  yet  I  cannot  question  the 
propriety  of  your  decision.  Farewell,  Patience ! 

PATIENCE 
Farewell,  Archibald  !     But  stay ! 

GROSVENOR 
Yes,  Patience? 

PATIENCE 

Although  I  may  not  love  you — for  you  are 
perfect — there  is  nothing  to  prevent  your  loving 
me.  I  am  plain,  homely,  unattractive  I 

GROSVENOR 
Why,  that's  true ! 

PATIENCE 

The  love  of  such  a  man  as  you  for  such  a  girl 
as  I,  must  be  unselfish  ! 

GROSVENOR 
Unselfishness  itself ! 

DUET — PATIENCE  AND  GROSVENOR 

PATIENCE 
Though  to  marry  you  would  very  selfish  be — • 

GROSVENOR 
Hey,  but  I'm  doleful — willow  willow  waly ! 

39 


Patience 

PATIENCE 
You  may  all  the  same  continue  loving  me — 

GROSVENOR 
Hey,  but  I'm  doleful — willow  willow  waly  \ 

BOTH 

All  the  world  ignoring. 
(  You) 

>  go  on  adoring— 
(I'll    ) 
Hey  willow  waly  O  ! 

[At  the  end,  exeunt  despairingly,  in  opposite 
directions. 

Enter  BUNTHORNE,  crowned  with  roses  and  hung 
about  with  garlands,  and  looking  very  miser- 
able. He  is  led  by  ANGELA  and  SAPHIR 
(each  of  whom  holds  an  end  of  the  rose-gar- 
land by  which  he  is  bound),  and  accom- 
panied by  procession  of  maidens.  They  are 
dancing  classically,  and  playing  on  cymbals, 
double  pipes  and  other  archaic  instruments. 

CHORUS 
Let  the  merry  cymbals  sound, 

Gaily  pipe  Pandasan  pleasure, 
With  a  Daphnephoric  bound 
Tread  a  gay  but  classic  measure. 
40 


Patience 

Every  heart  with  hope  is  beating, 

For  at  this  exciting  meeting 
Fickle  Fortune  will  decide 
Who  shall  be  our  Bunthorne's  bride ! 

Enter  DRAGOONS,  led  by  COLONEL,  MAJOR,  and 
DUKE.     They  are  surprised  at  proceedings. 

CHORUS  OF  DRAGOONS 
Now  tell  us,  we  pray  you, 
Why  thus  you  array  you — 
Oh,  poet,  how  say  you — 

What  is  it  you've  done? 

DUKE 

Of  rite  sacrificial, 
By  sentence  judicial, 
This  seems  the  initial, 

Then  why  don't  you  run?j 

COLONEL 

They  cannot  have  led  you 
To  hang  or  behead  you, 
Nor  may  they  all  wed  you, 
Unfortunate  one ! 

CHORUS  OF  DRAGOONS 
Then  tell  us,  we  pray  you, 
Why  thus  they  array  you — 
Oh,  poet,  how  say  you — 

What  is  it  you've  done? 
41 


Patience 

RECITATIVE — BUNTHORNE 
Heart-broken  at  my  Patience's  barbarity, 
By  the  advice  of  my  solicitor,  (introducing 

his  Solicitor) 

In  aid — in  aid  of  a  deserving  charity, 
I've  put  myself  up  to  be  raffled  for ! 

MAIDENS 

By  the  advice  of  his  solicitor 

He's  put  himself  up  to  be  raffled  for ! 

DRAGOONS 

Oh,  horror !  urged  by  his  solicitor, 
He's  put  himself  up  to  be  raffled  for ! 

MAIDENS 
Oh,  heaven's  blessing  on  his  solicitor ! 

DRAGOONS 

A  hideous  curse  on  his  solicitor ! 
(The    Solicitor,     horrified    at    the     Dragoons* 
curse,  rushes  off.) 

COLONEL 
Stay,  we  implore  you, 

Before  our  hopes  are  blighted! 
You  see  before  you 

The  men  to  whom  you're  plighted! 

42 


Patience 

CHORUS  OF  DRAGOONS 
Stay  we  implore  you, 
For  we  adore  you ; 
To  us  you're  plighted 
To  be  united — 

Stay,  we  implore  you ! 

SOLO — DUKE 

Your  maiden  hearts,  ah,  do  not  steel 
To  pity's  eloquent  appeal, 
Such  conduct  British  soldiers  feel. 
(Aside  to  Dragoons.)     Sigh,  sigh,  all  sigh  ! 

[They  all  sigh. 

To  foeman's  steel  we  rarely  see 
A  British  soldier  bend  the  knee, 
Yet,  one  and  all,  they  kneel  to  ye — 
(Aside  to  Dragoons.)    Kneel,  kneel,  all  kneel ! 

[They  all  kneel. 

Our  soldiers  very  seldom  cry, 
And  yet — I  need  not  tell  you  why — 
A  tear-drop  dews  each  martial  eye ! 
(Aside  to  Dragoons.)    Weep,  weep,  all  weep ! 

[They  all  weep. 

ENSEMBLE 

Our  soldiers  very  seldom  cry, 

And  yet — I  need  not  tell  you  why — 

43 


Patience 

A  tear-drop  dews  each  manly  eye  ! 
Weep,  weep,  all  weep  ! 

BUNTHORNE  (who  has  been  impatient  during  this 

appeal) 

Come,  walk  up,  and  purchase  with  avidity, 
Overcome  your  diffidence  and  natural  timidity, 
Tickets  for  the  raffle  should  be  purchased  with 

avidity, 
Put  in  half  a  guinea  and  a  husband  you  may 

gain- 
Such  a  judge  of  blue-and-white,  and  other  kinds 

of    pottery — 
From  early   Oriental  down  to  modern  terra- 

cotta-ry— 
Put  in  half  a  guinea — you  may  draw  him  in  a 

lottery- 
Such  an  opportunity  may  not  occur  again. 

CHORUS 

Such  a  judge  of  blue-and-white,  &c. 
(Maidens  crowd  up  to  purchase  tickets;  during 
this  Dragoons  dance   in   single   file   round 
stage,  to  express  their  indifference.) 

DRAGOONS 

We've  been  thrown  over,  we're  aware, 
But  we  don't  care — but  we  don't  care ! 

44 


Patience 

There's  fish  in  the  sea,  no  doubt  of  it, 
As  good  as  ever  came  out  of  it, 
And  some  day  we  shall  get  our  share, 
So  we  don't  care — so  we  don't  care ! 
(During  this,  the  girls  have  been  buying  tickets. 
At    last,    JANE    presents    herself.      BUN- 
THORNE  looks  at  her  with  aversion.) 

RECITATIVE 

BUNTHORNE 

And  are  you  going  a  ticket  for  to  buy? 

JANE  (surprised) 
Most  certainly  I  am ;  why  should  not  I  ? 

BUNTHORNE  (aside) 
Oh,  Fortune,  this  is  hard  !     (Aloud.)     Blindfold 

your  eyes: 
Two  minutes  will  decide  who  wins  the  prize ! 

(Girls  blindfold  themselves.) 

CHORUS  OP  MAIDENS 
Oh,  Fortune,  to  my  aching  heart  be  kind ! 
Like  us,  thou  art  blindfolded,  but  not  blind ! 

(Each  uncovers  one  eye.) 

Just  raise  your  bandage  thus,  that  you  may  see, 
And  give  the  prize,  and  give  the  prize  to  me  ! 

(They  cover  their  eyes  again.) 

BUNTHORNE 
Come,  Lady  Jane,  I  pray  you  draw  the  first ! 

45 


Patience 

JANE   (joyfully) 
He  loves  me  best ! 

BUNTHORNE  (aside) 

I  want  to  know  the  worst ! 
QANE  draws  a  paper,  and  is  about  to  open  it 
when  PATIENCE  enters.    PATIENCE  snatches 
paper  from  JANE  and  tears  it  up.) 

PATIENCE 
Hold  !     Stay  your  hand  ! 

ALL  (uncovering  their  eyes) 
What  means  this  interference? 
Of  this  bold  girl  I  pray  you  make  a  clearance  ! 

JANE 
Away  with  you,  and  to  your  milk-pails  go  ! 

BUNTHORNE    (suddenly) 
She  wants  a  ticket !    Take  a  dozen  ! 

PATIENCE 

No! 

SOLO — PATIENCE    (kneeling    to    BUNTHORNE) 
If  there  be  pardon  in  your  breast 

For  a  poor  penitent, 
Who  with  remorseful  thought  opprest, 

Sincerely  doth  repent, 
If  you,  with  one  so  lowly,  still 
Desire  to  be  allied, 
46 


Patience 

Then  you  may  take  me,  if  you  will, 
For  I  will  be  your  bride ! 

ALL 
Oh,  shameless  one ! 

Oh,  bold-faced  thing ! 
Away  you  run — 

Go,  take  you  wing, 
You  shameless  one ! 

You  bold-faced  thing! 

BUNTHORNE 

How  strong  is  love !    For  many  and  many  a 

week 

She's  loved  me  fondly  and  has  feared  to  speak, 
But  Nature,  for  restraint  too  mighty  far, 
Has  burst  the  bonds  of  Art — and  here  we  are ! 

PATIENCE 

No,  Mr.  Bunthorne,  no — you're  wrong  again, 
Permit  me — I'll  endeavour  to  explain ! 

SONG — PATIENCE 
True  love  must  single-hearted  be — 

BUNTHORNE 

Exactly  so ! 

PATIENCE 
From  every  selfish  fancy  free — 

47 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE 

Exactly  so ! 

PATIENCE 

No  idle  thought  of  gain  or  joy 
A  maiden's  fancy  should  employ — 
True  love  must  be  without  alloy. 

ALL 

Exactly  so ! 

PATIENCE 
Imposture  to  contempt  must  lead — 

COLONEL 

Exactly  so ! 

PATIENCE 
Blind  vanity's  dissension's  seed — 

MAJOR 

Exactly  so! 

PATIENCE 

It  follows  then,  a  maiden  who 
Devotes  herself  to  loving  you  (indicating 

BUNTHORNE) 
Is  prompted  by  no  selfish  view ! 

ALL 

Exactly  so ! 

SAPHIR  (taking  BUNTHORNE  aside) 
Are  you  resolved  to  wed  this  shameless  one  ? 
48 


Patience 

ANGELA 
Is  there  no  chance  for  any  other? 

BUNTHORNE   (decisively) 
None !  (Embraces  PATIENCE.) 

(ANGELA,  SAPHIR,  and  ELLA  take  COLONEL, 
DUKE,  and  MAJOR  down,  while  Girls  gaze 
fondly  at  other  Officers.) 

SESTETTE 
I  hear  the  soft  note  of  the  echoing  voice 

Of  an  old,  old  love,  long  dead — 
It  whispers  my  sorrowing  heart  "rejoice" — 

For  the  last  sad  tear  is  shed — 
The  pain  that  is  all  but  a  pleasure  we'll  change 

For  the  pleasure  that's  all  but  pain, 
And  never,  oh  never,  this  heart  will  range 

From  that  old,  old  love  again !     (Girls  em- 
brace Officers.) 

CHORUS 
Yes,  the  pain  that  is  all,  &c.    (Embrace.) 

As  the  Dragoons  and  Girls  are  embracing,  enter 
GROSVENOR,  reading.  He  takes  no  notice  of 
them,  but  comes  slowly  down,  still  reading. 
The  Girls  are  all  strangely  fascinated  by 
him,  and  gradually  withdraw  from  Dragoons. 

49 


Patience 

ANGELA 

But  who  is  this,  whose  god-like  grace 
Proclaims  he  comes  of  noble  race  ? 
And  who  is  this  whose  manly  face 
Bears  sorrow's  interesting  trace  ? 

ENSEMBLE— TUTTI 

Yes,  who  is  this,  &c. 

GROSVENOR 

I  am  a  broken-hearted  troubadour, 
Whose  mind's  aesthetic  and  whose  tastes  are 
pure ! 

ANGELA 
^Esthetic !    He  is  aesthetic ! 

GROSVENOR 

Yes,  yes — I  am  aesthetic 
And  poetic ! 

ALL  THE  LADIES 
Then,  we  love  you ! 

(The  Girls  leave  Dragoons  and  group,  kneeling, 
around  GROSVENOR.  Fury  of  BUNTHORNE, 
who  recognizes  a  rival.) 

DRAGOONS 
They  love  him !    Horror ! 

5° 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE  AND  PATIENCE 

They  love  him  !    Horror ! 

GROSVENOR 
They  love  me  !    Horror !    Horror !    Horror ! 

ENSEMBLE— TUTTI 

GIRLS 

Oh,  list  while  we  a  love  confess 
That  words  imperfectly  express, 
Those  shell-like  ears,  ah,  do  not  close 
To  blighted  love's  distracting  woes ' 
Nor  be  distressed,  nor  scandalized, 
If  what  we  do  is  ill-advised, 
Or  we  shall  seek  within  the  tomb 
Relief  from  our  appalling  doom ! 

GROSVENOR 

Again  my  cursed  comeliness 
Spreads  hopeless  anguish  and  distress  ! 
Thine  ears,  O  Fortune,  do  not  close 
To  my  intolerable  woes. 
Let  me  be  hideous,  under-sized, 
Contemned,  degraded,  loathed,  despised, 
Or  bid  me  seek  within  the  tomb 
Relief  from  my  detested  doom ! 

PATIENCE 

List,  Reginald,  while  I  confess 
A  love  that's  all  unselfishness; 
si 


Patience 

That  it's  unselfish,  goodness  knows, 
You  won't  dispute  it,  I  suppose. 
For  you  are  hideous — under-sized, 
And  everything  that  I've  despised, 
And  I  shall  love  you  I  presume, 
Until  I  sink  into  the  tomb ! 

BUNTHORNE 

My  jealousy  I  can't  express, 

Their  love  they  openly  confess; 

His  shell-like  ear  he  does  not  close 

To  their  recital  of  their  woes. 

I'm  more  than  angry  and  surprised — 

I'm  pained,  and  shocked,  and  scandalized ; 

But  he  shall  meet  a  hideous  doom 

Prepared  for  him  by — I  know  whom ! 

The  Ladies  are  all  grouped  around  GROSVENOR. 
BUNTHORNE  stands  apart,  meditating  ven- 
geance on  GROSVENOR. 


ACT  II 

SCENE — A  GLADE 

On  the  left  a  small  sheet  of  water.  JANE  is 
discovered  leaning  on  a  violoncello,  upon 
which  she  presently  accompanies  herself. 

JANE 

The  fickle  crew  have  deserted  Reginald  and 
sworn  allegiance  to  his  rival,  and  all,  forsooth, 
because  he  has  glanced  with  passing  favour 
on  a  puling  milkmaid  !  Fools  !  of  that  fancy  he 
will  soon  weary — and  then  I,  who  alone  am 
faithful  to  him,  shall  reap  my  reward.  But  do 
not  dally  too  long,  Reginald,  for  my  charms  are 
ripe,  Reginald,  and  already  they  are  decaying. 
Better  secure  me  ere  I  have  gone  too  far ! 

RECITATIVE — JANE 

Sad  is  that  woman's  lot,  who  year  by  year, 
Sees,  one  by  one,  her  beauties  disappear, 
When  Time,  grown  weary  of  her  heart-drawn 

sighs, 
Impatiently  begins  to  "dim  her  eyes!" 

S3 


Patience 

Compelled,  at  last,  in  life's  uncertain  gloamings, 
To  wreathe  her  wrinkled  brow  with  well-saved 

"combings," 

Reduced,  with  rouge,  lip-salve,  and  pearly  grey, 
To  "make  up"  for  lost  time,  as  best  she  may ! 

SONG — JANE 
Silvered  is  the  raven  hair, 

Spreading  is  the  parting  straight, 
Mottled  the  complexion  fair, 

Halting  is  the  youthful  gait, 
Hollow  is  the  laughter  free, 

Spectacled  the  limpid  eye — 
Little  will  be  left  of  me 

In  the  coming  by  and  bye ! 
Fading  is  the  taper  waist, 

Shapeless  grows  the  shapely  limb, 
And  although  securely  laced, 

Spreading  is  the  figure  trim ! 
Stouter  than  I  used  to  be, 

Still  more  corpulent  grow  I — 
There  will  be  too  much  of  me 

In  the  coming  by  and  bye  ! 

[Exit  JANE. 

Enter  GROSVENOR,  followed  by  maidens,  two  and 
two,  each  playing  on  an  archaic  instrument, 
as  in  Act  I.  He  is  reading  abstractedly,  as 

54 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE  did  in  Act  I,  and  pays  no 
attention  to  them. 

CHORUS  OF  MAIDENS 
Turn,  oh  turn  in  this  direction, 

Shed,  oh  shed  a  gentle  smile, 
With  a  glance  of  sad  perfection 

Our  poor  fainting  hearts  beguile  ! 
On  such  eyes  as  maidens  cherish 

Let  thy  fond  adorers  gaze, 
Or  incontinent  y  perish 

In  their  all-consuming  rays ! 
(He  sits — they  group  around  him.} 

GROSVENOR   (aside) 

The  old,  old  tale.  How  rapturously  these 
maidens  love  me,  and  how  hopelessly !  Oh, 
Patience,  Patience,  with  the  love  of  thee  in  my 
heart,  what  have  I  for  these  poor  mad  maidens 
but  an  unvalued  pity?  Alas,  they  will  die  of 
hopeless  love  for  me,  as  I  shall  die  of  hopeless 
love  for  thee ! 

ANGELA 

Sir,  will  it  please  you  to  read  to  us  ?     (Kneels.) 

GROSVENOR  (sighing) 
Yes,  child,  if  you  will.     What  shall  I  read  ? 

ANGELA 
One  of  your  own  poems. 

55 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

One  of  my  own  poems?  Better  not,  my 
child.  They  will  not  cure  thee  of  thy  love. 

ELLA 

Mr.  Bunthorne  used  to  read  us  a  poem  of  his 
own  every  day. 

SAPHIR 

And,  to  do  him  justice,  he  read  them  ex- 
tremely well. 

GROSVENOR 

Oh,  did  he  so  ?  Well,  who  am  I  that  I  should 
take  upon  myself  to  withhold  my  gifts  from 
you?  What  am  I  but  a  trustee?  Here  is  a 
decalet — a  pure  and  simple  thing,  a  very  daisy 
— a  babe  might  understand  it.  To  appreciate 
it,  it  is  not  necessary  to  think  of  anything  at  all. 

ANGELA 
Let  us  think  of  nothing  at  all ! 

GROSVENOR  recites 
Gentle  Jane  was  as  good  as  gold, 
She  always  did  as  she  was  told; 
She  never  spoke  when  her  mouth  was  full, 
Or  caught  blue-bottles  their  legs  to  pull, 
Or  spilt  plum  jam  on  her  nice  new  frock, 
Or  put  white  mice  in  the  eight-day  clock, 

56 


Patience 

Or  vivisected  her  last  new  doll, 
Or  fostered  a  passion  for  alcohol. 

And  when  she  grew  up  she  was  given  in  mar- 
riage 

To  a  first-class  earl  who  keeps  his  carriage ! 

GROSVENOR 

I  believe  I  am  right  in  saying  that  there  is 
not  one  word  in  that  decalet  which  is  calculated 
to  bring  the  blush  of  shame  to  the  cheek  of 
modesty. 

ANGELA 
Not  one ;  it  is  purity  itself. 

GROSVENOR 
Here's  another. 

Teasing  Tom  was  a  very  bad  boy ; 
A  great  big  squirt  was  his  favourite  toy ; 
He  put  live  shrimps  in  his  father's  boots, 
And  sewed  up  the  sleeves  of  his  Sunday  suits; 
He  punched  his  poor  little  sisters'  heads, 
And  cayenne-peppered  their  four-post  beds; 
He  plastered  their  hair  with  cobbler's  wax, 
And  dropped  hot  halfpennies  down  their  backs. 
The  consequence  was  he  was  lost  totally, 
And  married  a  girl  in  the  corps  de  bally ! 

ANGELA 
Marked  you  how  grandly — how  relentlessly 

57 


Patience 

— the  damning  catalogue  of  crime  strode  on, 
till  Retribution,  like  a  poised  hawk,  came  swoop- 
ing down  upon  the  Wrong-Doer?  Oh,  it  was 
terrible ! 

ELLA 

Oh,  sir,  you  are  indeed  a  true  poet,  for  you 
touch  our  hearts,  and  they  go  out  to  you ! 

GROSVENOR  (aside) 

This  is  simply  cloying.  (Aloud.)  Ladies,  I 
am  sorry  to  distress  you,  but  you  have  been 
following  me  about  ever  since  Monday,  and  this 
is  Saturday.  I  should  like  the  usual  half- 
holiday,  and  if  you  will  kindly  allow  me  to  close 
early  to-day,  I  shall  take  it  as  a  personal  favour. 

SAPHIR 
Oh,  sir,  do  not  send  us  from  you ! 

GROSVENOR 

Poor,  poor  girls  !  It  is  best  to  speak  plainly. 
I  know  that  I  am  loved  by  you,  but  I  never  can 
love  you  in  return,  for  my  heart  is  fixed  else- 
where !  Remember  the  fable  of  the  Magnet 
and  the  Churn. 

ANGELA  (wildly) 

But  we  don't  know  the  fable  of  the  Magnet 
and  the  Churn ! 

58 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 
Don't  you  ?    Then  I  will  sing  it  to  you. 

SONG — GROSVENOR 
A  magnet  hung  in  a  hardware  shop, 
And  all  around  was  a  loving  crop 
Of  scissors  and  needles,  nails  and  knives, 
Offering  love  for  all  their  lives ; 
But  for  iron  the  magnet  felt  no  whim, 
Though  he  charmed  iron,  it  charmed  not  him, 
From  needles  and  nails  and  knives  he'd  turn, 
For  he'd  set  his  love  on  a  Silver  Churn ! 

ALL 
A  Silver  Churn ! 

GROSVENOR 
A  Silver  Churn ! 

His  most  aesthetic, 
Very  magnetic 
Fancy  took  this  turn — 
"If  I  can  wheedle 
A  knife  or  needle, 
Why  not  a  Silver  Churn?'; 

CHORUS 
His  most  aesthetic,  &c. 

GROSVENOR 

And  Iron  and  Steel  expressed  surprise, 
The  needles  opened  their  well-drilled  eyes, 

59 


Patience 

The  penknives  felt  "shut  up,"  no  doubt, 

The  scissors  declared  themselves  "cut  out," 

The  kettles,  they  boiled  with  rage,  'tis  said, 

While  every  nail  went  off  its  head, 

And  hither  and  thither  began  to  roam, 

Till  a  hammer  came  up — and  drove  them  home. 

ALL 
It  drove  them  home? 

GROSVENOR 
It  drove  them  home ! 

While    this    magnetic 
Peripatetic 

Lover  he  lived  to  learn, 
By  no  endeavour, 
Can  magnet  ever 
Attract  a  Silver  Churn  ! 

ALL 

While  this  magnetic,  &c. 

[They  go  off  in  low  spirits,  gazing  back  at  him 
from  time  to  time. 

GROSVENOR 

At  last  they  are  gone !    What  is  this  mys- 
terious fascination  that  I  seem  to  exercise  over 
all   I    come   across?     A    curse    on  my  fatal 
beauty,  for  I  am  sick  of  conquests ! 
PATIENCE  appears 

60 


Patience 

PATIENCE 

Archibald ! 

GROSVENOR  (turns  and  sees  her) 
Patience ! 

PATIENCE 

I  have  escaped  with  difficulty  from  my  Regi- 
nald. I  wanted  to  see  you  so  much  that  I 
might  ask  you  if  you  still  love  me  as  fondly  as 
ever? 

GROSVENOR 

Love  you  ?     If  the  devotion  of  a  lifetime 

(Seizes  her  hand.) 

PATIENCE  (indignantly) 
Hold !    Unhand  me,  or  I  scream !     (He  re- 
leases her.)     If  you  are  a  gentleman,  pray  re- 
member that  I  am  another's  !     (Very  tenderly.) 
But  you  do  love  me,  don't  you  ? 

GROSVENOR 
Madly,  hopelessly,  despairingly! 

PATIENCE 

That's  right !  I  never  can  be  yours ;  but 
that's  right ! 

GROSVENOR 
And  you  love  this  Bunthorne  ? 

PATIENCE 
With  a  heart-whole  ecstasy  that  withers,  and 

61 


Patience 

scorches,  and  burns,  and  stings !     (Sadly.)     It 
is  my  duty. 

GROSVENOR 

Admirable  girl !  But  you  are  not  happy 
with  him? 

PATIENCE 
Happy  ?     I  am  miserable  beyond  description  ! 

GROSVENOR 

That's  right !  I  never  can  be  yours ;  but 
that's  right ! 

PATIENCE 

But  go  now — I  see  dear  Reginald  approach- 
ing. Farewell,  dear  Archibald,  I  cannot  tell 
you  how  happy  it  has  made  me  to  know  that 
you  still  love  me. 

GROSVENOR 

Ah,   if  I  only  dared (Advances  towards 

her.) 

PATIENCE 

Sir !  this  language  to  one  who  is  promised  to 
another  !  (Tenderly.)  Oh,  Archibald,  think  of 
me  sometimes,  for  my  heart  is  breaking !  He 
is  so  unkind  to  me,  and  you  would  be  so  loving ! 

GROSVENOR 

Loving !     (Advances  towards  her.) 
62 


Patience 

PATIENCE 

Advance  one  step,  and  as  I  am  a  good  and 
pure  woman,  I  scream  !  (Tenderly.)  Farewell, 
Archibald!  (Sternly.)  Stop  there!  (Ten- 
derly.) Think  of  me  sometimes !  (Angrily.) 
Advance  at  your  peril !  Once  more,  adieu ! 

[GROSVENOR  sighs,  gazes  sorrowfully  at  her, 
sighs  deeply,  and  exit.  She  bursts  into 
tears. 

Enter  BUNTHORNE,  followed  by  JANE.  He  is 
moody  and  preoccupied. 

JANE  sings 
In  a  melancholy  train, 

One  and  one  I  walk  all  day; 
Pity  those  who  love  in  vain — 
None  so  sorrowful  as  they, 

Who  can  only  sigh  and  say, 
Woe  is  me,  alackaday ! 

BUNTHORNE  (seeing  PATIENCE) 
Crying,  eh?     What  are  you  crying  about? 

PATIENCE 
I've  only  been  thinking  how  dearly  I  love  you 

BUNTHORNE 
Love  me !    Bah ! 

63 


Patience 

JANE 
Love  him !    Bah ! 

BUNTHORNE   (to    lANE) 

Don't  you  interfere. 

JANE 

He  always  crushes  me  ! 

PATIENCE  (going  to  him) 

What  is  the  matter,  dear  Reginald  ?  If  you 
have  any  sorrow,  tell  it  to  me,  that  I  may  share 
it  with  you.  (Sighing.)  It  is  my  duty ! 

BUNTHORNE  (snappishly) 
Whom  were  you  talking  with  just  now  ? 

PATIENCE 
With  dear  Archibald. 

BUNTHORNE  (furiously) 
With  dear  Archibald !     Upon  my  honour, 
this  is  too  much  ! 

JANE 
A  great  deal  too  much. 

BUNTHORNE  (angrily  to  JANE) 
Do  be  quiet ! 

JANE 
Crushed  again ! 

PATIENCE 

I  think  he  is  the  noblest,  purest,  and  most 
64 


Patience 

perfect  being  I  have  ever  met.  But  I  don't 
love  him.  It  is  true  that  he  is  devotedly  at- 
tached to  me,  but  indeed  I  don't  love  him. 
Whenever  he  grows  affectionate,  I  scream.  It 
is  my  duty  !  (Sighing.) 

BUNTHORNE 

I  dare  say. 

JANE 
So  do  I !    /  dare  say ! 

PATIENCE 

Why,  how  could  I  love  him  and  love  you  too  ? 
You  can't  love  two  people  at  once ! 

BUNTHORNE 
I  don't  believe  you  know  what  love  is ! 

PATIENCE    (sighing) 

Yes,  I  do.     There  was  a  happy  time  when  I 
didn't,  but  a  bitter  experience  has  taught  me. 

BALLAD — PATIENCE 
Love  is  a  plaintive  song, 

Sung  by  a  suffering  maid, 
Telling  a  tale  of  wrong, 

Telling  of  hope  betrayed: 
Tuned  to  each  changing  note, 

Sorry  when  he  is  sad, 

Blind  to  his  every  mote, 

Merry  when  he  is  glad ! 

65 


Patience 

Love  that  no  wrong  can  cure, 
Love  that  is  always  new, 

That  is  the  love  that's  pure, 
That  is  the  love  that's  true ! 

Rendering  good  for  ill, 

Smiling  at  every  frown, 
Yielding  your  own  self-will, 

Laughing  your  tear-drops  down, 
Never  a  selfish  whim, 

Trouble,  or  pain  to  stir; 
Everything  for  him, 
Nothing  at  all  for  her ! 

Love  that  will  aye  endure, 

Though  the  rewards  be  few, 
That  is  the  love  that's  pure, 

That  is  the  love  that's  true ! 
[At   the  end   of   ballad  exit   PATIENCE, 
weeping. 

BUNTHORNE 

Everything  has  gone  wrong  with  me  since 
that  smug-faced  idiot  came  here.  Before  that 
I  was  admired — I  may  say  loved. 

JANE 
Too  mild.     Adored ! 

BUNTHORNE 
Do  let  a  poet  soliloquize !    The  damozels  used 

66 


Patience 

to  follow  me  wherever  I  went;  now  they  all 
follow  him ! 

JANE 
Not  all !    /  am  still  faithful  to  you. 

BUNTHORNE 

Yes,  and  a  pretty  damozel  you  are  ! 

JANE 

No,  not  pretty.  Massive.  Cheer  up !  I  will 
never  leave  you,  I  swear  it ! 

BUNTHORNE 

Oh,  thank  you !  I  know  what  it  is ;  it's 
his  confounded  mildness.  They  find  me  too 
highly  spiced,  if  you  please !  And  no  doubt  I 
am  highly  spiced. 

JANE 
Not  for  my  taste ! 

BUNTHORNE    (savagely) 
No,  but  I  am  for  theirs.     But  I  can  be  as 
mild  as  he.     If  they  want  insipidity,  they  shall 
have  it.     I'll  meet  this  fellow  on  his  own  ground 
and  beat  him  on  it. 

JANE 
You  shall.     And  I  will  help  you. 

BUNTHORNE 

You  will  ?  Jane,  there's  a  good  deal  of  good 
in  you,  after  all ! 

67 


Patience 

DUET — BUNTHORNE  AND  JANE 

JANE 

So  go  to  him  and  say  to  him,  with  compliment 
ironical 

BUNTHORNE 

Sing  "  Hey  to  you — 

Good  day  to  you ' ' — 

And  that's  what  I  shall  say ! 

JANE 

"Your  style  is  too  much  sanctified — your  cut 
is  too  canonical" 

BUNTHORNE 

Sing  "  Bah  to  you — 

Ha!  ha!  to  you"— 

And  that's  what  I  shall  say! 

JANE 
"I  was  the  beau  ideal  of  the  morbid  young 

aesthetical — 

To  doubt  my  inspiration  was  regarded  as  heret- 
ical— 

Until  you  cut  me  out  with  your  placidity  emet- 
ical"— 

BUNTHORNE 
Sing  "  Booh  to  you — 
Pooh,  pooh  to  you" — 
And  that's  what  I  shall  say ! 

68 


Patience. 

BOTH 

Sing  "Hey  to  you,  good  day  to  you" — 
Sing  "  Bah  to  you,  ha  !  ha  !  to  you" — 
Sing  "  Booh  to  you,  pooh,  pooh  to  you" — 

(you) 

And  that's  what  <          >  shall  say  ! 
(     I    ) 

BUNTHORNE 

I'll  tell  him  that  unless  he  will  consent  to  be 
more  jocular 

JANE 

Say  "Booh  to  you — 
Pooh,  pooh  to  you"- 
And  that's  what  you  should  say ! 

BUNTHORNE 

To  cut  his  curly  hair  and  stick  an  eyeglass  in 
his  ocular 

JANE 

Sing  "  Bah  to  you — 
Ha!  ha!  to  you"- 
And  that's  what  you  should  say ! 

BUNTHORNE 
To  stuff  his  conversation  full  of  quibble  and  of 

quiddity — 

To  dine  on  chops  and  roly-poly  pudding  with 
avidity — 

69 


Patience 

He'd  better  clear  away  with  all  convenient 
rapidity. 

JANE 

Sing  "  Hey  to  you  — 
Good  day  to  you"  — 
And  that's  what  you  should  say  ! 

BOTH 

Sing  "  Booh  to  you  —  pooh,  pooh  to  you"  — 
Sing  "  Bah  to  you  —  ha  !  ha  !  to  you"- 
Sing  "  Hey  to  you  —  good  day  to  you"  — 


And  that's  what  <          >  shall  say  ! 
(you) 

[Exeunt  JANE  and  BUNTHORNE  together. 

Enter  DUKE,  COLONEL,  and  MAJOR.  They  have 
abandoned  their  uniforms,  and  are  dressed 
and  made  up  in  imitation  of  ^Esthetes. 
They  have  long  hair,  and  other  outward 
signs  of  attachment  to  the  brotherhood.  As 
they  sing,  they  walk  in  stiff,  constrained 
and  angular  attitudes  —  a  grotesque  exaggera- 
tion of  the  attitudes  adopted  by  BUNTHORNE 
and  the  young  ladies  in  Act  7. 

TRIO  —  DUKE,  COLONEL  and  MAJOR 
It  is  clear  that  mediaeval  art  alone  retains  its 
zest, 

70 


Patience 

To  charm  and  please  its  devotees  we  done  our 

little  best. 
We're  not  quite  sure  if  all  we  do  has  the  Early 

English  ring ; 
But,  as  far  as  we  can  judge,  it's  something  like 

this  sort  of  thing: 

You  hold  yourself  like  this  (attitude), 

You  hold  yourself  like  that  (attitude), 

By  hook  and  crook  you  try  to  look  both  angular 

and  flat  (attitude). 
We  venture  to  expect 
That  what  we  recollect, 

Though  but  a  part  of  true  High  Art,  will  have 
its  due  effect. 

If  this  is  not  exactly  right,  we  hope  you  won't 

upbraid ; 
You  can't  get  high  Esthetic  tastes,  like  trousers, 

ready  made. 
True   views   on   Mediaevalism  Time  alone  will 

bring, 
But,  as  far  as  we  can  judge,  it's  something  like 

this  sort  of  thing: 

You  hold  yourself  like  this  (attitude), 

You  hold  yourself  like  that  {attitude), 

By  hook  and  crook  you  try  to  look  both  angular 

and  flat  (attitude). 

71 


Patience 

To  cultivate  the  trim 
Rigidity  of  limb, 

You  ought  to  get  a  Marionette,  and  form  voui 
style  on  him  (attitude). 

COLONEL  (attitude) 

Yes,  it's  quite  clear  that  our  only  chance  of 
making  a  lasting  impression  on  these  young 
ladies  is  to  become  aesthetic  as  they  are. 

MAJOR     (attitude) 

No  doubt.  The  only  question  is  how  far 
we've  succeeded  in  doing  so.  I  don't  know  why, 
but  I  have  an  idea  that  this  is  not  quite  right. 

DUKE     (attitude) 

I  don't  like  it.  I  never  did.  I  don't  see 
what  it  means.  I  do  it,  but  I  don't  like  it. 

COLONEL 

My  good  friend,  the  question  is  not  whether 
we  like  it,  but  whether  they  do.  They  under- 
stand these  things — we  don't.  Now  I  shouldn't 
be  surprised  if  this  is  effective  enough — at  a 
distance. 

MAJOR 

I  can't  help  thinking  we're  a  little  stiff  at  it. 
It  would  be  extremely  awkward  if  we  were  to 
be  "struck"  so! 

72 


Patience 

COLONEL 

I  don't  think  we  shall  be  struck  so.  Perhaps 
we're  a  little  awkward  at  first — but  everything 
must  have  a  beginning.  Oh,  here  they  come ! 
'Tention ! 

They  strike  fresh  attitudes  as  ANGELA  and 
SAPHIR  enter. 

ANGELA  (seeing  them) 

Oh,  Saphir — see — see !  The  immortal  fire 
has  descended  on  them,  and  they  are  of  the 
Inner  Brotherhood — perceptively  intense  and 
consummately  utter !  (The  Officers  have  some 
difficulty  in  maintaining  their  constrained  at- 
titudes.) 

SAPHIR  (in  admiration) 

How  Botticellian !  How  Fra  Angelican ! 
Oh,  Art,  I  thank  thee  for  this  boon  ! 

COLONEL  (apologetically) 
I'm  afraid  we're  not  quite  right. 

ANGELA 

Not  supremely,  perhaps,  but  oh,  so  ail-but ! 
(To  SAPHIR.)  Oh,  Saphir,  are  they  not  quite 
too  ail-but  ? 

SAPHIR 
They  are  indeed  jolly  utter ! 

73 


Patience 

MAJOR    (in   agony) 

What  do  the  Inner  Brotherhood  usually  re- 
commend for  cramp  ? 

COLONEL 

Ladies,  we  will  not  deceive  you.  We  are 
doing  this  at  some  personal  inconvenience  with 
a  view  of  expressing  the  extremity  of  our  devo- 
tion to  you.  We  trust  that  it  is  not  without 
its  effect. 

ANGELA 

We  will  not  deny  that  we  are  much  moved  by 
this  proof  of  your  attachment. 

SAPHIR 

Yes,  your  conversion  to  the  principles  of 
Esthetic  Art  in  its  highest  development  has 
touched  us  deeply. 

ANGELA 

And  if  Mr.  Grosvenor  should  remain  obdur- 
ate  

SAPHIR 

Which  we  have  every  reason  to  believe  he 
will— 

MAJOR  (aside  in  agony} 
I  wish  they'd  make  haste. 

ANGELA 

We  are  not  prepared  to  say  that  our  yearning 
hearts  will  not  go  out  to  you. 

74 


Patience 

COLONEL    (as    giving    a    word    of    command) 

By  sections  of  threes — Rapture !  (All  strike 
a  fresh  attitude,  expressive  of  (esthetic  rapture.) 

SAPHIR 

Oh,  it's  extremely  good — for  beginners  it's 
admirable. 

MAJOR 
The  only  question  is,  who  will  take  who  ? 

SAPHIR 

Oh,  the  Duke  choose  first,  as  a  matter  of 
course. 

DUKE 

Oh,  I  couldn't  think  of  it — you  are  really  too 
good! 

COLONEL 

Nothing  of  the  kind.  You  are  a  great  mat- 
rimonial fish,  and  it's  only  fair  that  each  of 
these  ladies  should  have  a  chance  of  hooking 
you. 

It's  perfectly  simple.  Observe,  suppose  you 
choose  Angela,  I  take  Saphir,  Major  takes  no- 
body. Suppose  you  choose  Saphir,  Major  takes 
Angela,  I  take  nobody.  Suppose  you  choose 
neither,  I  take  Angela,  Major  takes  Saphir. 
Clear  as  day ! 

75 


Patience 

QUINTET 
DUKE,  COLONEL,  MAJOR,  ANGELA  and  SAPHIR 

DUKE    (taking   SAPHIR) 
If  Saphir  I  choose  to  marry, 
I  shall  be  fixed  up  for  life ; 
Then  the  Colonel  need  not  tarry, 
Angela  can  be  his  wife. 

(Handing  ANGELA  to  COLONEL.) 

(DUKE    dances   with   SAPHIR,    COLONEL 
with  ANGELA,  MAJOR  dances  alone.) 
MAJOR  (dancing  alone) 
In  that  case  unprecedented, 

Single  I  shall  live  and  die — 
I  shall  have  to  be  contented 

With  their  heartfelt  sympathy! 

ALL  (dancing  as  before) 
He  will  have  to  be  contented 
With  our  heartfelt  sympathy ! 

DUKE  (taking  ANGELA) 
If  on  Angy  I  determine, 

At  my  wedding  she'll  appear 
Decked  in  diamond  and  ermine, 
Major  then  can  take  Saphir ! 

(Handing  SAPHIR  to  MAJOR.) 

(DUKE    dances    with    ANGELA,    MAJOR 
with  SAPHIR,  COLONEL  dances  alone.) 
76 


Patience 

COLONEL  (dancing) 
In  that  case  unprecedented, 

Single  I  shall  live  and  die — 
I  shall  have  to  be  contented, 

With  their  heartfelt  sympathy! 

ALL  (dancing  as  before) 
He  will  have  to  be  contented, 
With  our  heartfelt  sympathy! 

DUKE    (taking    both    ANGELA    and    SAPHIR) 
After  some  debate  internal, 

If  on  neither  I  decide, 
Saphir  then  can  take  the  Colonel, 

(Handing  SAPHIR  to  COLONEL.) 
Angy  be  the  Major's  bride ! 

(Handing  ANGELA  to  MAJOR.) 

(COLONEL  dances  with  SAPHIR,   MAJOR 
with  ANGELA,  DUKE  dances  alone.} 

DUKE  (dancing) 
In  that  case  unprecedented, 

Single  I  must  live  and  die — 
I  shall  have  to  be  contented 

With  their  heartfelt  sympathy! 

ALL  (dancing  as  before) 
He  will  have  to  be  contented 
With  our  heartfelt  sympathy ! 

77 


Patience 

[At  the  end,  DUKE,  COLONEL,  and  MAJOR,  and 

two  girls  dance  off  arm  in  arm. 
Enter  GROSVENOR 

GROSVENOR 

It  is  very  pleasant  to  be  alone.  It  is  pleasant 
to  be  able  to  gaze  at  leisure  upon  those  features 
which  all  others  may  gaze  upon  at  their  good 
will.  (Looking  at  his  reflection  in  hand  mirror.) 
Ah,  I  am  a  very  Narcissus  ! 

Enter  BUNTHORNE  moodily. 

BUNTHORNE 

It's  no  use,  I  can't  live  without  admiration. 
Since  Grosvenor  came  here,  insipidity  has  been 
at  a  premium.  Ah,  he  is  there ! 

GROSVENOR 

Ah,  Bunthorne !  come  here — look !  Very 
graceful,  isn't  it? 

BUNTHORNE  (taking  hand  mirror) 
Yes,  it  is  graceful. 

GROSVENOR  (re-taking  hand  mirror) 

Oh,  good  gracious  !  not  that — this 

BUNTHORNE 

You  don't  mean  that !  Bah !  I  am  in  no 
mood  for  trifling. 

GROSVENOR 
And  what  is  amiss  ? 

78 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE 

Ever  since  you  came  here,  you  have  entirely 
monopolized  the  attentions  of  the  young  ladies. 
I  don't  like  it,  sir ! 

GROSVENOR 

My  dear  sir,  how  can  I  help  it  ?  They  are  the 
plague  of  my  life.  My  dear  Mr.  Bunthorne, 
with  your  personal  disadvantages,  you  can  have 
no  idea  of  the  inconvenience  of  being  madly 
loved,  at  first  sight,  by  every  woman  you  meet. 

BUNTHORNE 
Sir,  until  you  came  here  I  was  adored  I 

GROSVENOR 

Exactly — until  I  came  here.  That's  my 
grievance.  I  cut  everybody  out !  I  assure  you, 
if  you  could  only  suggest  some  means  whereby, 
consistently  with  my  duty  to  society,  I  could 
only  escape  these  inconvenient  attentions,  you 
would  earn  my  everlasting  gratitude. 

BUNTHORNE 

I  will  do  so  at  once.  However  popular  it 
may  be  with  the  world  at  large,  your  personal 
appearance  is  highly  objectionable  to  me. 

GROSVENOR 

Is  it  ?  (Shaking  his  hand.)  Oh,  thank  you  ! 
thank  you  !  How  can  I  express  my  gratitude  ? 

79 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE 

By  making  a  complete  change  at  once.  Your 
conversation  must  henceforth  be  perfectly  mat- 
ter-of-fact. You  must  cut  your  hair,  and  have 
a  back  parting.  In  appearance  and  costume 
you  must  be  absolutely  commonplace. 

GROSVENOR  (decidedly) 
No.     Pardon  me,  that's  impossible. 

BUNTHORNE 

Take  care.  When  I  am  thwarted  I  am  very 
terrible. 

GROSVENOR 

I  can't  help  that.  I  am  a  man  with  a  mission. 
And  that  mission  must  be  fulfilled. 

BUNTHORNE 

I  don't  think  you  quite  appreciate  the  con- 
sequences of  thwarting  me. 

GROSVENOR 
I  don't  care  what  they  are. 

BUNTHORNE 

Suppose — I  won't  go  so  far  as  to  say  that  I 
will  do  it — but  suppose  for  one  moment  I  were 
to  curse  you  ?  (GROSVENOR  quails.)  Ah ! 
Very  well.  Take  care. 

80 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 

But  surely  you  would  never  do  that?  (In 
great  alarm.) 

BUNTHORNE 

I  don't  know.  It  would  be  an  extreme  meas- 
ure, no  doubt.  Still 

GROSVENOR  (wildly) 

But  you  would  not  do  it — I  am  sure  you 
would  not.  (Throwing  himself  at  BUNTHORNE'S 
knees,  and  clinging  to  him.)  Oh,  reflect,  reflect ! 
You  had  a  mother  once. 

BUNTHORNE 
Never ! 

GROSVENOR 

Then  you  had  an  aunt !  (BUNTHORNE  af- 
fected.) Ah  !  I  see  you  had  !  By  the  memory 
of  that  aunt,  I  implore  you  to  pause  ere  you 
resort  to  this  last  fearful  expedient.  Oh,  Mr. 
Bunthorne,  reflect,  reflect !  (Weeping.) 

BUNTHORNE  (Aside,  after  a  struggle  with  himself) 
I  must  not  allow  myself  to  be  unmanned  I 
(Aloud.)     It  is  useless.     Consent  at  once,  or 
may  a  nephew's  curse 

GROSVENOR 

Hold !    Are  you  absolutely  resolved  ? 
to 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE 

Absolutely. 

GROSVENOR 
Will  nothing  shake  you? 

BUNTHORNE 
Nothing.     I  am  adamant. 

GROSVENOR 
Very  good.     (Rising.)     Then  I  yield. 

BUNTHORNE 
Ha  !     You  swear  it  ? 

GROSVENOR 

I  do,  cheerfully.  I  have  long  wished  for  a 
reasonable  pretext  for  such  a  change  as  you  sug- 
gest. It  has  come  at  last.  I  do  it  on  compul- 
sion ! 

BUNTHORNE 
Victory !    I  triumph ! 

DUET — BUNTHORNE  AND  GROSVENOR 

BUNTHORNE 
When  I  go  out  of  door, 
Of  damozels  a  score 

(All  sighing  and  burning, 
And  clinging  and  yearning) 
Will  follow  me  as  before. 
II 


Patience 

I  shall,  with  cultured  taste, 
Distinguish  gems  from  paste, 

And  "High  diddle  diddle" 

Will  rank  as  an  idyll, 
If  I  pronounce  it  chaste  ! 

A  most  intense  young  man, 

A  soulful-eyed  young  man, 
An  ultra-poetical,  super-aesthetical, 

Out-of-the-way  young  man ! 

BOTH 
A  most  intense  young  man,  &c. 

GROSVENOR 

Conceive  me,  if  you  can, 
An  every-day  young  man: 
A  commonplace  type, 
With  a  stick  and  a  pipe, 
And  a  half-bred  black-and-tan ; 
Who  thinks  suburban  "hops" 
More  fun  than  "Monday  Pops," 
Who's  fond  of  his  dinner, 
And  doesn't  get  thinner 
On  bottled  beer  and  chops. 

A  commonplace  young  man, 
A  matter-of-fact  young  man, 
A  steady  and  stolid-y,  jolly  Bank-holiday 
Every-day  young  man ! 

83 


Patience 

BUNTHORNB 

A  Japanese  young  man, 
A  blue  and-white  young  man, 

Francesca  di  Rimini,  miminy,  pitniny, 
Je-ne-sais-quoi  young  man ! 

GROSVENOR 

A  Chancery  Lane  young  man, 
A  Somerset  House  young  man, 
A  very  delectable,  highly  respectable, 
Threepenny-'bus  young  man ! 

BUNTHORNE 

A  pallid  and  thin  young  man, 
A  haggard  and  lank  young  man, 
A  greenery-yallery,  Grosvenor  Gallery, 
Foot-in-the-grave  young  man ! 

GROSVENOR 

A  Sewell  &  Cross  young  man, 
A  Howell  &  James  young  man, 
A  pushing  young  particle — what's  the  next 

article — 
Waterloo  House  young  man ! 

ENSEMBLE 

BUNTHORNE 

Conceive  me,  if  you  can, 
A  crotchety,  cracked  young  man, 

84 


Patience 

An  ultra-poetical,  super-aesthetical, 
Out-of-the-way  young  man ! 

GROSVENOR 

Conceive  me,  if  you  can, 
A  matter-of-fact  young  man, 
An  alphabetical,  arithmetical, 
Every-day  young  man ! 
[At    the    end,    GROSVENOR    dances    off. 
BUNTHORNE  remains. 

BUNTHORNE 

It  is  all  right !  I  have  committed  my  last 
act  of  ill-nature,  and  henceforth  I  am  a  re- 
formed character.  (Dances  about  stage,  hum- 
ming refrain  of  last  air.) 

Enter  PATIENCE.     She  gazes  in  astonish- 
ment at  him. 

PATIENCE 

Reginald !  Dancing !  And — what  in  the 
world  is  the  matter  with  you  ? 

BUNTHORNE 

Patience,  I  am  a  changed  man.  Hitherto 
I've  been  gloomy,  moody,  fitful — uncertain  in 
temper  and  selfish  in  disposition 

PATIENCE 
You  have,  indeed !     (Sighing.) 


Patience 

BUNTHORNE 

All  that  is  changed.  I  have  reformed.  I 
have  modelled  myself  upon  Mr.  Grosvenor. 
Henceforth  I  am  mildly  cheerful.  My  con- 
versation will  blend  amusement  with  instruc- 
tion. I  shall  still  be  aesthetic ;  but  my  aestheti- 
cism  will  be  of  the  most  pastoral  kind. 

PATIENCE 
Oh,  Reginald  !    Is  all  this  true  ? 

BUNTHORNE 

Quite  true.  Observe  how  amiable  I  am, 
(Assuming  a  fixed  smile.) 

PATIENCE 
But,  Reginald,  how  long  will  this  last  ? 

BUNTHORNE 

With  occasional  intervals  for  rest  and  re- 
freshment, as  long  as  I  do. 

PATIENCE 

Oh,  Reginald,  I'm  so  happy !  (In  his  arms.) 
Oh,  dear,  dear  Reginald,  I  cannot  express  the 
joy  I  feel  at  this  change.  It  will  no  longer  be  a 
duty  to  love  you,  but  a  pleasure — a  rapture — 
an  ecstasy ! 

BUNTHORNE 
My  darling ! 

86 


Patience 

PATIENCE 
But — oh,   horror !     (Recoiling  from  him.) 

BUNTHORNE 

What's  the  matter? 

PATIENCE 

Is  it  quite  certain  that  you  have  absolutely 
reformed — that  you  are  henceforth  a  perfect 
being — utterly  free  from  defect  of  any  kind  ? 

BUNTHORNE 
It  is  quite  certain.     I  have  sworn  it ! 

PATIENCE 
Then  I  can  never  be  yours  ! 

BUNTHORNE 
Why  not? 

PATIENCE 

Love,  to  be  pure,  must  be  absolutely  unselfish, 
and  there  can  be  nothing  unselfish  in  loving  so 
perfect  a  being  as  you  have  now  become ! 

BUNTHORNE 

But  stop  a  bit,  I  don't  want  to  reform — I'll 
relapse — I'll  be  as  I  was 

PATIENCE 

No;  love  should  purify — it  should  never 
debase. 

BUNTHORNE 
But  I  assure  you,  I — interrupted ! 

87 


Patience 

Enter  GROSVENOR,  followed  by  all  the  young 
ladies,  who  are  followed  by  chorv-s  of 
Dragoons.  He  has  had  his  hair  cut,  and 
is  dressed  in  an  ordinary  suit  of  dittos  and 
a  pot  hat.  They  all  dance  cheerfully  round 
the  stage  in  marked  contrast  to  their  former 
languor. 

CHORUS — GROSVENOR  AND  GIRLS 

GROSVENOR 

I'm  a  Waterloo  House  young  man, 
A  Sewell  &  Cross  young  man, 
A  steady  and  stolid-y,  jolly  Bank-holiday, 
Every-day  young  man ! 

GIRLS 

We're  Swears  &  Wells  young  girls, 
We're  Madame  Louise  young  girls, 
We're  prettily  pattering,  cheerily  chattering, 
Every-day  young  girls ! 

GROSVENOR 
I'm  a  Waterloo  House  young  man ! 

GIRLS 
We're  Swears  &  Wells  young  girls ! 

GROSVENOR 
I'm  a  Sewell  &  Cross  voung  man ! 

88 


Patience 

GIRLS 
We're   Madame   Louise  young  girls ! 

GROSVENOR 

I'm  a  steady  and  stolid-y,  jolly  Bank-holiday, 
Every-day  young  man ! 

GIRLS 

We're  prettily  pattering,  cheerily  chattering, 
Every-day  young  girls ! 

BUNTHORNE 

Angela  —  Ella  —  Saphir — what — what  does 
this  mean  ? 

ANGELA 

It  means  that  Archibald  the  All-Right  can- 
not be  wrong;  and  if  the  All-Right  chooses  to 
discard  aestheticism,  it  proves  that  aestheticism 
ought  to  be  discarded. 

PATIENCE 

Oh,  Archibald !  Archibald !  I'm  shocked — 
surprised — horrified ! 

GROSVENOR 

I  can't  help  it.  I  am  not  a  free  agent.  I  do 
it  on  compulsion. 

PATIENCE 

This  is  terrible.  Go  I  I  shall  never  set  eyes 
on  you  again.  But — oh  joy ! 


Patience 

GROSVENOR 
What  is  the  matter? 

PATIENCE 

Is  it  quite,  quite  certain  that  you  will  always 
be  a  commonplace  young  man  ? 

GROSVENOR 
Always — I  have  sworn  it. 

PATIENCE 

Why,  then,  there's  nothing  to   prevent  my 
loving  you  with  all  the  fervour  at  my  command  ! 

GROSVENOR 
Why,  that's  true. 

PATIENCE 
My  Archibald ! 

GROSVENOR 
My  Patience  !     (They  embrace.) 

BUNTHORNE 

Crushed  again ! 
Enter  JANE 

JANE  (who  is  still  esthetic) 
Cheer  up !    I  am  still  here.     I  have  never 
left  you,  and  I  never  will ! 

BUNTHORNE 

Thank  you,  Jane.    After  all,  there  is  no  deny- 
ing it,  you're  a  fine  figure  of  a  woman ! 

90 


Patience 

JANE 
My  Reginald ! 

BUNTHORNE 

My  Jane ! 

Flourish.    Enter  COLONEL,   DUKE,  and 
MAJOR. 

COLONEL 

Ladies,  the  Duke  has  at  length  determined  to 
select  a  bride  !  (General  excitement.) 

DUKE 

I  have  a  great  gift  to  bestow.  Approach, 
such  of  you  as  are  truly  lovely.  (All  come 
forward  bashfully,  except  JANE  and  PATIENCE.) 
In  personal  beauty  you  have  all  that  is  necessary 
to  make  a  woman  happy.  In  common  fairness, 
I  think  I  ought  to  choose  the  only  one  among 
you  who  has  the  misfortune  to  be  distinctly 
plain.  (Girls  retire  disappointed.)  Jane  ! 

JANE  (leaving  BUNTHORNE'S  arms.) 
Duke !     (JANE    and    DUKE    embrace.     BUN- 
THORNE is  utterly  disgusted.) 

BUNTHORNE 
Crushed  again ! 

FINALE 

DUKE 

After  much  debate  internal, 
I  on  Lady  Jane  decide, 
91 


Patience 

Saphir  now  may  take  the  Colonel, 

Angy  be  the  Major's  bride  ! 
(SAPHIR  pairs  off  with  COLONEL,  ANGELA  with 
MAJOR,  ELLA  with  SOLICITOR.) 

BUNTHORNE 

In  that  case  unprecedented, 
Single  I  must  live  and  die — 
I  shall  have  to  be  contented 
With  a  tulip  or  Vdy! 

(Takes  a  lily  from  buttonhole  and  gazes 
affectionately  at  it.) 

ALL 
He  will  have  to  be  contented 

With  a  tulip  or  lily! 
Greatly  pleased  with  one  another, 

To  get  married  we  decide, 
Each  of  us  will  wed  the  other, 

Nobody  be  Bunthorne's  Bride! 

DANCE 

PATIENCE    and    GROSVENOR    embrace. 
BUNTHORNE  falls,  overwhelmed  with 
distress,  in  centre  of  stage. 

CURTAIN 


92 


University  of  California 

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Return  this  material  to  the  library 

from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


LI-URt 

1 


Of.  CALIF.  LIBRAS*.  US 


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LIBRARY 


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P27 
1902 


PATIENCE;  or  BUNTHORNE'S  BRIDE 

h 

W.   S.  Gilbert 


